May 2020

Our family took all the precautions we could to maintain our household and keep from being infected. But were we so busy worrying about catching the virus that we overlooked other health risks it could cause?

Anxiety, fear, and worry can eat away at even the healthiest amoung us.  But if a person is prone to panic attacks or depression, the pressures of not knowing how this pandemic would leave us in its aftermath (or even if we could look forward to an “after” at all) can be harder to withstand.

Millions have to worry about the loss of a job, or not being able to feed a family.  For essential workers, there was the fear of having to be out in the midst of people who could possibly infect you.  For my son, Ryan, there was added danger of bringing the virus into the nursing home he cooked at.  He knew that if he had a slip up while pumping gas or buying groceries he could end up killing someone’s grandmother by unknowingly bringing the Corona virus into work with him.

Ryan came into the pandemic with a history of both heart problems and depression.  He had worked hard to keep himself both physically fit and calm.  He had found a contentment in his life, with his gym workouts and family time.  I would even say he had been happy in his routines. 

One of the first closures in the early days of the pandemic was the gym Ry  had faithfully gone to for years.  He tried to make up for the loss with his small, home gym along with walking for miles in all kinds of weather.  Adding his lightened workout schedule to our family’s amped up dinner time filled with daily doses of comfort food, the common “Covid 15” weight gain crept up on him. 

Anxiety can also cause excess snacking, or maybe an extra cigarette or two throughout the day.  Neither of which were good for a former cardiac patient. 

Not to be dismissed is the importance of human touch. Not only for our souls, but for our health.  Social distancing means isolation for those who live alone.  Ryan lived in an apartment on the side of our house, and was in our home, so he didn’t have to face total isolation.  But as a nursing home employee, he was super conscious about not being the cause of illness for us or in the care center.  He was a guy who couldn’t leave a room without an “I love you” and a hug.  During our time of sheltering in place, we had to suffice with elbow bumps instead.

Many times, my son said to me, “It is killing me not to hug you guys goodnight.”

With Kansas reopening businesses and people trying to get back to normal routines, we had recently welcomed more family members into our “quarentainer”, while following strict guidelines for sanitizing our visitors and their belongings.  The night before he passed away, we decided that we could suspend the No Hugs rule.  With a house now filled with grand fairies, hugs had become abundant again, and I hugged Ryan goodnight for the first time in months. The last time I saw my boy alive I got a bear hug along with a kiss on the top of the head. 

The coroner tells us that he thinks Ryan had a sudden heart attack.   That sounds apt considering the stress he was under.  That we are all under right now.  Ryan did not die of Covid 19, but I feel like it was why he died when he did.  He was past due for a physical, and was waiting until visiting a doctor’s office wasn’t a risky thing to do.

 We may be opening up businesses and relaxing some rules but this is not over.  

The fears are not gone.

The stress is still here.

Maybe you, or someone you know is suffering also. Please check in with texts, emails, or calls to someone who can help you.  Or to whom you can offer help.  These are scary times that we are living in and any comfort offered is appreciated and needed.  

Don’t avoid medical check ups or put off self care. If you can’t do things like going to the gym, or getting a massage, taking a child to the park, seeing a movie, having a cocktail with friends to relax, or whatever takes you to your happy place- please find another outlet for your angst.  We all need to look for joy wherever we can find it to keep from being overwhelmed and overtaken by the gloom hanging over us.

The one thing that survivors of this pandemic still have is each other, even six feet apart.  Let’s be there for each other in any way we can. I know that I am not alone in my grief, now that the number of recognized deaths has hit a staggering 100,000.  Plus, think of the uncounted, untested who passed away.  And the ones who couldn’t take the despair and gave in to suicide or had a drug overdose.  The ones who avoided seeing a doctor because they were terrified of going to a hospital.  The nursing home patients who wasted away in loneliness, wondering if they would ever see their loved ones again.

Lockdowns in hospitals and nursing homes meant that the majority of these deaths were solitary. Following the guidelines for social distancing, the funerals for them are not happening.  Our inability to have a service for our son has become the norm. 

Thank you, to all who reached out to me with kind words of support.  Each and every text, note, comment, and call felt like a spot of warmth in my despair.  Not being able to see family and friends for a memorial makes these gestures even more treasured.  I can feel the caring and appreciate the efforts made to share it.

When hugs and physical togetherness aren’t  allowed, kind and caring words can go a long way.  And I don’t know anyone who couldn’t use more of them right now.  

 I am far from being the only one suffering a loss.  We are facing various types of losses too, not just death or illness. But the stress of losing your way of life can cause an actual illness.

If I had been watching out for Ryan’s inner turmoil, would I still have my baby boy?

 

 

 

Ryan Joseph Nathan was born on January 27, 1978 and grew up in Lawrence, KS, attending Lawrence High.  He passed away from natural causes on May 23rd.  He leaves behind his parents, Rich and Karla Nathan, his brother, Adam, two nieces, Leandra and Mayara.  His extended family included Avahni, Makiah, and Katie Tree Pierson,  Caitlin Hornbeck, and Thia Sleszynski.

No services will be held due to the current social distancing standards.

Ryan spent most of his working years as a cook, for a long time at Conroy’s Pub and most recently at Brandonwoods.  He took his responsibilities for the welfare of the senior diners there very seriously in  these days of Covid 19, and to keep  them as well as his parents safe, he had given up his favorite thing in life, the loving hugs that everyone knew him for.

He was a kind, gentle man with a strong work ethic.  He was such a hard worker that his family would refer to him as “The Machine” as he tackled  jobs with a determination and tenacity.  The same strength showed in his love of weight training and dedication to working out.  There was rarely a day that his Fitbit showed less than 20,000 steps.

Ryan overcame a childhood of bullying for his learning disabilities,  and many people never got a chance to know him because of the walls he put up from those experiences. Behind his quiet facade, was a witty sense of humor, and more thoughtfulness than you could expect to find in one person.

He preferred a low key lifestyle and had few requirements for happiness.  Long walks with his mother and the dogs who adored him.  Watching The Walking Dead series, a baking contest show, or a goofy comedy movie with his folks.  Sitting on the patio and chatting about his day while his dad  grilled steaks. Feeding all of the stray cats in the neighborhood.  Playing a board game with his nieces. Hanging out with his brother, one on one.  Lifting weights while listening to his extensive list of downloaded music.  Googling things he was curious about.  Making old friends laugh with his wit.  He enjoyed washing and caring for his cars, the favorites over the years were an old Mustang, a Jaguar, and his latest, a Jeep.  He was a lifelong fan of wrestling, and liked to watch past matches from years ago.

Ryan never wanted to leave a room without a hug and an “I love you”