Ryan always cared about Mother’s Day. He was so proud of whatever gift he chose, and I knew that thought had gone into it. He made me feel very special when he grinned and handed me a dozen roses, a bag of candles, or a pot of flowers he would plant for me.
And most of all, the wind chimes he splurged on last year. He was about to burst when he gave them to me. It was pretty cute.
I have dried some of the hydrangeas he helped me plant, along side this bouquet that came when he died.
A ruby toned rose bush and a patch of pink and purple iris from him are in bloom now. I’ll pick a few blossoms, and sit by the wind chimes while drinking a Coke Zero on the holiday this year.
Coke Zero was our guilty pleasure we both tried to stop the habit, sometimes with more success than others, but always went back to it. We’d tell each other we were giving it up, then joke that there were worse habits, and decide to enjoy our nightly coke together.
Ryan had been through addictions in his life. He gave up junk food and kept 100lbs off for way over a decade. He went through rehab for morphine addiction. After that we built my studio with an apartment above it, so he could always have a safe place to live and be close to us while still having his privacy.
So a few bottles of pop didn’t seem too bad. He was secure enough in his recovery that we could joke about his past, and laugh together over our soda habit.
Every night when he got off of work, he’d stop by the garage fridge and bring us each a cold coke. The night he died, we both just so happened to go out to the garage at the same time before bed to sneak a second bottle.
There was one cold drink left, and he insisted it was for me. And we shared a hug, the first one we’d had since covid quarantine began, because he worked in a nursing home and wanted to protect the residents.
My final moments with my boy were with him giving me the last bottle of Coke Zero, getting a big hug, and him telling me he loved me.
How lucky was I!? We could have easily missed each other if one of us had happened to check the fridge a few seconds earlier or later.
Years ago, Coke had a campaign where they had names on the labels. He and I made a contest out of collecting as many family names as we could. We had a Ryan(!), Nathan, Randy, Martha (my mom), Rich, and Adam. We didn’t save them, but had fun showing each other our finds.
I was at Target about Valentine’s Day and saw a few bottles in the cooler with names on them. It looked to me like it had been a Christmas promotion, and I was just seeing the tail end of it.
I sat down, right there in the line and pulled every single bottle out, looking for his name with no luck. So I went from cooler to cooler at the checkout lanes, searching desperately for one, while tears leaked down my face. (I’m sure employees thought I should be stopped because I was sitting on the checkout lane floor, but one look at my desperation stopped them.)
After that, I frantically looked through the checkout lanes of every store in the area. And look what I finally found, one that says, “My Son”. It’s been on the mantel since, but most likely, I’ll take the label off and add that to the book I made for Ry. People have almost tossed the bottle into the recycling, thinking it was an empty that I accidentally left out, so tucked away carefully in the photo album with my memories is probably a safer place for a treasure like this.
Our home is filled with the happy squeaks of newborn puppies, flowers are blooming outdoors, I have been getting together with friends for craft dates and fun, many have had the vaccine and fears are easing around here. Life goes on, and is filled with all sorts of little treasures.
Hopefully we have all learned to cherish what we have after losing so much to Covid. My heart goes out to those who have lost their physical or mental health, their jobs, their peace of mind.
Their loved one.
Tragedy can make you stronger but still crush you at the same time, we go on but we are never quite the same. All I can do is love what I have, memories included.
ps- I did put the Coke Zeros back in the coolers!
