A poem for Ryan

Almost two years without our Ry.

With his hidden strength beneath kind eyes

That had seen cruelty

But instead looked for peace.

He had to change his reality

To put his mind at ease.

 

A lifetime of struggle a lifetime of change

A hurt boy, a hurt soul, a new man, a new day.

Carefully controlling the fears to keep them at bay

Growing into his laughter, his comfort, his space

Learning to allow himself joy in a limited way.

 

It’s been too long without our Ry.

With his heart so weak, but true.

In his youth they saw that he was shy

But didn’t know he was deep

There was more to him than many knew

The unfairness, the waste, makes me weep

 

Has it been forever without our Ry?

It seems he was just here with me.

I still see his flashing smile as days go by

And I roam where we walked endlessly.

We could talk about nothing

As we talked of everything effortlessly.

 

There was more to him than he ever knew

The unfairness and loss makes me weep.

His kindness, his humor, his handsomeness too

Were all beyond where his thoughts could leap.

With torment and doubt clouding his mind

He worked, and he tried, he strived and he cried.

Did he ever feel that people could see

The man he became, the one so kind?

 

It’s been too long without our Ry.

Without his “I Love You” and a kiss on my head

A quiet smile when he said “hi”

And his warm, loving hugs would begin

The dog’s tiny paws would dance

After work when she heard his car pull in

 

Almost two years without our Ry

The pain and the loss makes me weep.

No, it’s not easier as days slip by

This is a suffering I’ll keep.