Karla Nathan – Page 60 – Karla's Cottage

Kindnesses sparked redos

Corona virus, cottage, family, flowers, friends, Ryan

By Karla Nathan / August 16, 2020

While my friends and I have gotten to be pretty good at meeting up for walks, socially distant porch parties, and other safe activities where we can visit in ventilated places somewhat apart from each other, we haven’t figured out how to do a Mosaic Day together.

We used to gather most Thursdays in Shan’s basement studio, catch up on each other’s happenings, and glue glass bits from the vast bins of colors Shanna had for us to dig through, onto all sorts of items.

Over a year ago, I started this pot, and since I couldn’t make it there every week, or sometimes brought a pressing work project from home instead, it took a long time to progress. But just as I was getting excited about completion, Covid hit and all production halted.

Then recently, my sweet and talented friend offered finish the pot for me and I was thrilled! My design was done, the background and grout were all that was left, and she was going to help with the grout anyway.
Plus, this way, I could call the pot a collaboration with a master stain glass artist!

(See the stunning piece hanging behind her? Also, please notice the beautiful doodle, one of Sugar’s babies, Shan’s home is full of pretty creations.)

How generous of her to do this for me.

When Ryan died, we received a planter jam packed with greenery. It has been a couple of months now, and while I’m slightly sure I could’ve kept them alive as is, I was relieved to have something larger to transplant them into.

While I was at it, I repotted some other plants and spread the arrangement into some extra pots too.

Then, while picking up supplies at Hobby Lobby, I saw these blue coffee pots on clearance and got one to go along with the refreshing of the kitchen I’d started with the new plantings.

Cheerful, right?

And cheery is very much appreciated right now. Missing Ryan is a constant with me, and I know always will be. I write notes to him, talk to him on my walks, sit in the gazebo and listen to his wind chimes. I think of all the boring little details in my life that he would have listened to me telling him about. And how he honestly would be interested in hearing them.

For the first few weeks, it seemed like we had so much going on, kids to entertain and feed, places to go, chores to do, projects to work on. Dinners to cook, shopping to do. I complained to myself that I just wanted to be left alone.

That I wanted to crawl into bed and not get out.

That I wanted to be alone to be sad and not do anything at all.

Looking back, I wonder if I was doing it right all along, by just keeping going. Not just keeping busy, but being active and part of the world around me. Which isn’t easy to do in the Age of Corona. And it isn’t easy to do when I am sad. But for me, it probably was the best thing I could do.

Heart break will always be with me. But it also makes me realize that the good that surrounds me might not always be with with me. I work to treasure my blessings, appreciate what I have, and to keep my home as much of a pretty, and peaceful sanctuary as I can. To reach out to friends and family that I love.

To not curl up in the darkness.

Renewed, not erased

cottage, redos, Ryan

By Karla Nathan / August 13, 2020

For Ryan’s 40th birthday, we redid his apartment on the side of our house. His brother was hired to do most of the work, Ry was his assistant and also did a lot of the painting.

What I hadn’t expected, was that he had strong opinions on how the rooms were going to be done. That is when I discovered that he was a HGTV addict. And had some good ideas as well as good taste.

After our son was gone, my husband started spending time up in the apartment, feeling close to Ryan while he read a book or just sat and thought. We decided to make the room more functional as a guest room, or a place we could spend time in, while keeping Ryan’s original design choices.

Being in Ryan’s home felt good, and we took our time, deep cleaning, moving things around, hanging stuff. It was nice to have a reason to be there, and we wanted to make the space more of a part of our home. Kind of as a way to keep him close.

I didn’t change the bathroom at all. I kind of wanted to hang different artwork, but the painting is one I did of a view from the Wyoming lake house vacation that he went on with us. The colors don’t match the room, but he sat with me as I painted it and he loved that piece of art.

I would like to do a mosaic to hang on the front of the TV cabinet. Maybe later.

The chair is one that I had in the main house, but thought it looked better up here.

The framed, vintage, cardinal print is something that will always remind me of him. We have had a cardinal that has pecked at and attacked our windows since last October. He became Ryan’s nemesis and we all laughed about their war for months.

That’s why I put the ceramic red bird on his coffee table.
We named the persistent bird, Malarkey, after a contestant on Top Chef last season.

Ryan was a cook and loved the show. But he could not stand that guy, because Malarkey was a show off, bragging type who always ran his mouth and sometimes spoke badly of other contestants.

Ryan himself was a hard worker who believed in doing the tough jobs, not talking about doing them. He had no respect for guys like Malarkey and we used to cross our fingers and cheer for him to pack his knives and go each week.

It took us a while to watch the rest of the series after we lost our Ryan. And when Malarkey finally left, Rich and I cried as we applauded the decision.

So now, Malarkey the red bird is represented in Ry’s apartment as a reminder of how many laughs we had together over both.

The purple statice was dried from a place floral arrangement sent by a nephew.

The multi color vases by the TV were saved from bouquets sent after Ryan died too. I kept all of the vases and have plans to mosaic some of them.

The far wall is where the mini home gym once was. We already have a workout area in the office, so changed this to a dining spot.

If some day, a grand fairy moves in, or if needed for some other reason, we can bring in a small fridge and microwave. For now, a gate leg table from the hearth room and a couple chairs from the studio were enough.

Speaking of grand fairies moving in, Sugarwings discovered the XBox and now calls this her apartment when she goes up to play it. Ryan would get a kick out of that.

I found these curtains at Walmart for $5 a pair, and they suit the room nicely.

The bedspread isn’t as ideal, but was one I already had. It’s okay, but I might look around for something a bit more “farmhouse-ish”. The bedside lamp was $2 at Goodwill, and the headboard $100 from Nebraska Furniture Mart.

He already had the quilt there, it was one my mom made for him from some scraps leftover of clothes she’d sewn for him as a kid.

I had the mirror/window in the breezeway for over a decade and was ready for a change. It goes well here.

The curtains actually match better in person than they seem to in the photo. He had picked them out with me.

The print on the wall is from a painting I had done. It also reminds me of my boy, but in a convoluted way. When Ryan had to have his gallbladder removed, and we spent days at the hospital while he recovered from a serious infection, we roamed the halls quite a bit to stretch our legs. While exploring, I was surprised to see the original of this hanging through the window of an office.

This picture will always make me think of those days hanging out at the hospital with him.

This is sentimental too. When I was on a pour paint kick, Ryan was my biggest fan. I couldn’t convince him to do one with me, but he did keep me company and chose colors for me to make some pieces for his place.

He liked them so much, that he had a few too many hanging around. I gave some away to people who cared about him and saved a couple that I have cut up to make into a photo album cover. I’ve already been sorting photos of him and am impatiently waiting til I have time to create the book.

While redoing, I touched up the paint that was nicked in a few spots and repainted his front door. As I redid the entry, I pictured how happy Ryan would’ve been if I’d done that one day while he was at work.

I can just hear the excitement in his voice as discovered the fresh paint and he thanked me.

He was so appreciative of every little thing. So much so, that he made doing things for him very rewarding, he was so pleased by it. There wasn’t a single meal he ate that he didn’t compliment me on and thank me. Every single dinner would get a “Thank you, Mom, that was good”.

I could tell if he really, really liked it, because the phrase would become, “Thank you, Mom, that was goooooood!”

I think he would like knowing that we are visiting his little home and spending time there. I wish I could tell him, “Thank you for your decorating choices, Ryan. They are gooooooood!”

A place to hold hands and reminisce for our 35th anniversary

celebrations, cottage, flowers, Ryan

By Karla Nathan / August 9, 2020

For our 35th anniversary on Monday, I wanted to find a meaningful gift for my husband.

Since Ryan died, we have spent a lot of time sitting in our gazebo, listening to the wind chimes and thinking about our boy.

We watch the chickens play in the sprinkler, talk to the dogs, and hold hands. It has become our place to remember Ryan, and to be together.
Oh, and drink some wine, too.

So when it came to picking out a gift, I figured that a matching set of cozy rockers to sit in together would be ideal. I searched online for something just right and wasn’t having the best of luck. Then, I saw this set (on clearance, too) at TJMax and knew they were just what I had been looking for.

When we remodeled Ryan’s apartment for his 40th birthday, he chose everything in the rooms, and had gone with a lot of grays in a kind of modern, farmhouse style (he watched a lot of TV decorating shows for ideas).

These rocking chairs would look equally good with Ryan’s color scheme as they do in our garden.

I think he would approve of them.

Once I set them in the spot, I realized that rocks aren’t great for rockers… so I went back online and found a matching, outdoor rug. From Walmart, and it seems to be of a nice quality and looks pretty good there.

It is a peaceful place that has become very special to us. I can see us sitting there together, holding hands and reminiscing throughout our next 35 years with each other.

Stitching my world back together

Corona virus, flowers, Ryan, sewing?

By Karla Nathan / August 1, 2020

The day Ryan died, I was in the middle of making this flower I had crafted to stitch together a hole in a favorite shirt.

I was waiting for him to come downstairs for our planned walk. As I worked on the shirt, I texted him a couple of times to ask if he was okay, since he was running so late.

After the shock of finding his body, and dealing with the dozens of emergency personnel that go along with a tragedy like that, I found myself back at the table, numbly stitching away on this flannel.

Over the next few weeks, while I still could not bear to speak to many people, and my chest twisted up into shards of pain with every breath I took, I found myself still stitching.

The creations were an outlet for me, my mind could wander with memories of my boy, as my hands stayed busy.

I have never been into sewing, but embroidery seems different. I call it “painting with thread”. After surgery, early in March, while Covid was amping up, I could be creative while elevating and icing my knee.
So luckily, I was already immersed in the hobby and had a selection of supplies out, when I really needed them.

Having these shirts to keep me occupied, didn’t take my mind off of Ryan, but sewing them did give me quiet time to think about him and I could feel myself being stitched back together a tiny bit with each flower.

I can’t say that embroidery has brought me peace, because I feel like breathing will always be painful now.

But I think it has helped me along towards peacefulness by the repetitive and simple process of pulling the needle in and out of the fabric and by choosing pretty colors to put together.

Ideally, it is best to be working on these flowers while listening to wind chimes in the gazebo. And after a long walk on the trails Ryan and I had walked together on over and over.

The walks can be tough, each step reminds me of a laugh or something he said as we passed in that exact spot. I have learned to never go on a walk without wearing pants with pockets and filling those pockets with tissues.

And to never waste tissues on tears. Tears can drop on my feet, or on the sidewalk, but snot really shouldn’t. And I am a snotty cryer.

I save the tissues for nose blowing and let the tears go wherever they want.

Maybe I will be able to do some artwork in the studio soon. I have cleaned it top to bottom and rearranged it a bit too. I am easing myself back into my old life, making myself ready to be artistic again.

For now, I’ll keep stitching, and trying to hold myself together as much as I can.

Filling my arms with furry hugs

Corona virus, dogs, Goldendoodle Puppies

By Karla Nathan / July 26, 2020

Well, guess what? Not only did we take Honey to Free State Pedigrees to be bred by Felix, we dropped off Sugar there for a date with her previous beau, Wally.

Oh my.

Am I of a right mind? Two litters at once? And later in the year? I always said I would never have winter puppies, because we have a perfect set up for summer pups. And I believe the babies need fresh air and a place to run (as well as for housebreaking themselves).

But November, when they are old enough to run and wrestle and play outside, can be mild in KS. And I have worked out a plan for keeping them in our garage, with a dog door to get in and out if needed, when it is chilly and at night. Then in the daytime, they will have access to the fenced yard with a bed in the breezeway for their nap times.

And with the two week age difference, I will be able to provide the needed attention at the appropriate growth stages. But I sure will be busy doing it!

Which is just what I need. It has been two months now since my son died. Two months of missing his hugs and the kisses on top of my head. Two months of missing our walks and our laughs together.

An armload of furry sweetness won’t replace Ryan’s hugs. But it will be a very welcome distraction from heartache. Plus, even though both of our dogs were taken to meet their boyfriends, it is never guaranteed that they will have successful dates. It would shatter my hopes if we’d decided against taking Sugar in to see Wally and Honey ended up not having pups after all.

I decided I would rather double my odds. I need some puppies in my world right now.

This is Wally, the father of the Sugarbabies.

And I think I am not the only one suffering. With the state of the virus spreading now, I am sure there are many people who would love to have a doodle to cheer them up.
We will be offering a discount on pups to families who have been directly affected by Corona.

If you are interested, please check back here for updates. Sugar’s babes will be ready possibly the week of Thanksgiving and will be small to medium F1b goldendoodles. Honey’s will be ready approximately the week of November 15 and will be medium F1 goldendoodles.

Looking back and finding joy

celebrations, Corona virus, family, Ryan

By Karla Nathan / July 22, 2020

The last few days, I have looked back through my entire blog. I have never re-read it before, except in bits and pieces. (And it did take DAYS). I had hoped to find photos of Ry that I didn’t have saved in my computer, and I got lucky and found quite a few.

Often, they were like this one, big family shots with Ryan as part of the background.

Or this, where he is helping with a chore around the yard. Ryan was often part of the background, or working.

But then, jackpot! Here he is showing the pure jolt of joy and happiness that he never held back on when he was excited.

Looking back through 13 years of blogging, I saw so many blessings in my life.

Some things long forgotten, others a deep part of me. Tough times have come and gone, but through this journal that I have faithfully kept, I can see how lucky I have been over the years. (I also saw some some really cool things that I am kicking myself for selling.)

We are all going through an unprecedented rough time right now with the virus raging on and taking away so much from us.

Maybe we all need a look back at the past to remember our blessings to hold onto them in our hearts, to get through what we are dealing with in the present.

My heart is forever damaged with my boy gone, but having happy times past and future to keep in my thoughts does help.

I had began with recent posts and scrolled backwards, diligently staring through all the photos, occasionally reading something that would make me grin. When I’d find a picture of my son, sometimes there were tears, but more often, smiles.

Coming across the photo of Ryan showing pure joy near the very beginning of my writings, after a few days of flipping through pages of millinery, smiling babies, painted roses, beaches, sisters, adventures with friends, circus, travels with Rich, and other Good Stuff, was like finding the golden ticket in a chocolate bar.

Yes, I have been lucky in my life. I had not only all of those wonderful experiences, I had this moment with Ryan. When he was so happy, he leapt into the air like a kid.

Those are the moments we need to hold onto. With those, will get through this.

Memory Chimes

Uncategorized

By Karla Nathan / July 19, 2020

We took our camper on a trip to Wyoming and while there with family members, we were able to have another small memorial for Ryan.

It was similar to the one at our home, where a few of us sprinkled ash on the Uncle Tree planted for him.

This time, each person added a chain to a wind chime when they told a story or memory they had of Ry.

My SIL, Terry, prepared family photos to add along with chains, bells, stones, and charms.

She set the supplies out, and family members gathered around the craft table to make a length of chain and charms with a tinkling bell at the end.

The wooden parts were hand crafted by Terry’s husband, Dale.

Sugarwings picked a blue chain to use, because of course, a Favorite Color is a major consideration for her. When she moved on from pink to aqua as a new beloved color, it was a major announcement and life style change.

I listen to her discussing Favorite Colors with others and it is almost as if they are talking about something that defines them, not just a preference for a shade.

After raising rowdy boys, this fascination with Favorite Colors amongst the grand fairies was a change. Maybe I just never ease-dropped on or appreciated the conversations my two sons had the way I do with these girls (who by the way, are also very rowdy).

After losing Ryan, I have given a lot of thought to how I raised him and his brother way back when, and how different I am with the new sibling duo now.

There are regrets.
Lots of regrets.

Many mistakes were made my first time around the block.

When Ryan came along, I was 19, and he was a baby who needed more than I could offer.

We were far from family or help, he didn’t sleep more than an hour and a half, which meant that I didn’t either. (For months and months).

I lived in poverty, and didn’t even have a phone to call family for advice. It was a 45 minute drive to a pay phone, and sometimes Ryan and I would be alone with no transportation for weeks at a time.

Looking back, I am sure that I had postpartum depression, but that wasn’t something mothers were screened for much in those days.

I have always said, “Ryan wasn’t an easy baby.” He cried nonstop, and so did I.

Now, I can see that his problems started with me, not with him and it wasn’t fair to put the blame on a baby. My inability to care for him was why he was so unhappy. If I’d had just a little help, someone to hold him and comfort him while I napped, could I have been able to comfort him myself?

Sugarwings and Dewdrop haven’t always been “easy” themselves (what kid is?). But my attitude and mental health have been different with them. I wish I could have given Ryan what I gave to them. He deserved more.

All of my kids have some form of sensory or learning disorder and I never thought I was up to any of it.

I felt like my boys deserved someone better, stronger, more knowledgeable, than me to get them through it. It wasn’t until I had grand fairies that I felt like I was doing something right. Maybe the boys helped me work through all of the insufficiencies that I had in raising them.

Ryan and Adam-I am sorry that I was not the mother I should have been for you. But thank you for the lessons you taught me. Thank you for helping me become a better grammie. Because you suffered through my insecurities and my impatience, I know how to be patient now.

Ryan grew up to be a remarkable man. I wonder what he could have become if he’d had a mom who was prepared for a child with difficulties and in a better financial and emotional state when he was born?

Hopefully, I made his rough start up to him later on. He had a generous soul and never showed me anything but an abundance of caring..

I have been so proud of who he became, and love hearing people describe his kindness and gentleness when they speak of him. The remarks family made while adding a bell to Terry and Dale’s wind chime design were quite moving.

Losing an adult child is a layered grief. At first, I mourned the thoughtful man who was my beloved friend and walking companion.

Then, I’d have flashes of him as a child or a teen and a fresh pain would strike me, taking my breath away. Thinking of him as a newborn rips my heart out.

I am trying to remember the happy times with him, that cute little face looking up at me with joy. Remembering each story that was shared as a chain was added to the wind chime.

And appreciating that knowing him helped me to learn to be better.

In the land of heart shaped rocks

celebrations, Corona virus, family, Ryan, sea shell fairies

By Karla Nathan / July 12, 2020

We have been doing some traveling. Yes, I know that in the Time of Corona, that is an iffy thing. But we have a new RV that allows us to avoid all public restrooms and restaurants, we roll with our own kitchen and bathroom. All we need to do is pump gas, then park and picnic inside the bubble of our little home on wheels.

This trip was to Wyoming, where the virus hasn’t become a big threat. We gathered at the spacious lake house we’d gone to before on our big family reunion. This time, the attendance was much smaller, due to the concerns of the plague hanging over us all.

Honestly, I was not a fan of the idea. Shouldn’t we all just stay home, doing our part to stop the spread?

But, my husband and I are dealing with our boy’s death in different ways. I couldn’t even speak to anyone at all for along time, he wants his people around him, and was especially missing his family. Whom I also love, and love to spend time with. It meant a lot to him, he needed his people.

I felt more than a little guilty about indulging ourselves with a vacation/family reunion but knew that this one was about as safe as one could be.

Buying the new camper made me feel pretty secure. And we questioned everyone we were going to be seeing on their practices. Our family members had all been careful, working at home, shopping at early morning senior hours, staying in, etc.

A couple of weeks ago, we took the RV to North Carolina for the grand fairies to see their daddy, and while NC is far from as virus free as the remote lands of Wyoming, that had gone well and had also been very careful there.

So, I took some of Ryan’s ashes from the urn Ed Noonen had gifted us with and carefully packed some in the “to go vase” he had also made. Actually, the small vase was a separate gift, not exactly meant to be a traveling ash container, but it seemed ideal for that purpose. I have mentioned that Ry wasn’t fond of getting out and seeing the world. But when we last vacationed in Casper, he rode along and had a great time.

We had pulled a camper then too. Not because the lake house was too crowded, it sleeps DOZENS, but to provide a private place for him to retreat to if needed. We practically forced him to come and used the fact that it was his grandma’s 85th birthday to guilt him into it.

And we were so glad we did. He joined in, laughed with everyone, took long walks in the hills with me, helped in the kitchen, and even placed pretty high in the ping pong tournament. It was such a pleasure to remember him there with us, that we wanted to spread some of his remains in a spot that had been special to us.

This might sound odd, and might also mean that I am totally losing it, but carefully tending to the ashes, and wrapping them up to take along reminded me of taking care of him as a baby. Geez, why did I even tell you that? I do sound crazy. And grief will do that to you. Maybe I felt like I was doing something for him like I used to when he was just little?

Sugarwings and Dewdrop went hiking with their cousins and all of the girls brought back heart shaped rocks for me.

I do not remember seeing any at all when we were there three years ago. But on this visit? They were abundant.

The largest rock is next to his urn now. The teeniest is wrapped up in a note to him, inside the urn.

When I came across the smaller, almost perfect heart, I knew it would be an ideal bodice along with the larger hearts as wings and skirt, to form an angel for my boy.

There is twisty, weathered wood all around too. I picked up pieces to make a frame around his angel. Then took the ashes out to it, and let Sugarwings sprinkle them over it all.

While I hadn’t thought I needed this trip, like my husband did, I found out that I certainly had. Staying in a unique spot that was full of happy memories and being able to create this angel for Ryan with stones found by the girls was good for me.

As was spending time with two of the dearest sister-in-laws anyone could have. Both of them offered their own big hearts to me when I sobbed.

My husband says the time was healing for him.

I can’t say that for myself. Right now, I don’t see any possibility of ever healing.

But I can say that when people who care about me were there to listen to me talk about our loss, and to show their love, I knew that I had not lost everything. It is good to feel their love, when I needed it so badly.

I know that with this virus ramping up and raging through our world, not everyone has the luxury of buying an RV to go be near family. Although our son is dead, I still feel blessed for what we do have. And my heart goes out to those who suffer through the loss of the ones they love completely alone due to the isolation we are all going through.

A look back, it is good to have a blog to keep as a diary

celebrations, Ryan

By Karla Nathan / July 5, 2020

I was looking through past blog posts to see if I could find photos of Ryan that I didn't have in files. Here are some stories that I discovered in my archives.

I hope Ryan knew how much pride I had in him. I can't believe that when he was little, I used to think that I would be taking care of him all of his life, but he turned that around and became the person who took care of me. There wasn't a single day with him that he didn't try to do something for me, big or little. But the caring and the effort was always there. Thank you, Ryan, for always being there for me.

Here is a post from January 2012. (Yes, he needed a haircut, but he was still pretty dang cute)

My oldest son had a birthday this week. I realized that I rarely get photos of him, so when the family took him out to celebrate at his favorite restaurant, I made sure to bring my camera.

He always chooses this Japanese steak house on his birthday for Sugarwings because he knows she has so much fun there.

He's a loving uncle, a handsome guy, a hard worker, a sweet man, and I'm proud to have his as a son.

He has a strong work ethic and has been working 2 part time jobs for years, but just recently went full time at one of them.

He goes to the gym almost everyday, takes care of himself, saved up for and bought his own car, does his own laundry, and is a good cook.

He lost about 100 pounds and has kept it off for years and years.

Ryan has never had it easy. He has to try a lot harder than other people, but he never gives up. He has excelled in his life and when I tell people that my son works full time at a convenience store, I say it with a big glob of pride, every bit as much pride as the mother of a gifted student who becomes a rocket scientist would have.

Probably more pride because I know how he has struggled to get so far.

When customers are rude to him and tell him to hurry, I wonder if they realize how hurtful that is? That they are being cruel to someone who always tries his hardest and has accomplished more than anyone ever thought he would?

They don't see past the surface.

I think people see his blue eyes, handsome face, and 6 pack abs, and don't even realize that he has learning difficulties. They might see how shy and quiet he is and not realize that he has a speech problem, they will just think he isn't friendly, or has little to say. He has also been called stoned or drunk when people hear his speech or see that he is slow at times when trying to do something.

Ryan has been taken advantage of by some bad people in the past. Low lifes who used his sweet nature against him, so now he lives with us, in an apartment we built over my studio. Its important for him to have his independence, but also to be near family.

But we are lucky to have him here. He helps around the kitchen, mows our acreage, carries in groceries, and never, ever leaves a room without saying "I love you". And that is usually accompanied by me getting a kiss on the top of my head.

Is my family as perfect as it looks on the surface? Oh heavens no.

When you look past the surface you see something better than perfection.

You can see what caring, love, and strength built by adversity and a determination to make it all work better than it should, can do for a circle of people who need each other in their lives.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

And here is a post from July 2015, when we took the entire family to Florida and Ryan surprised me by saying he would go to Disney too:

Ry Guy said he wanted to come to the park too. Now, he has been a bit of a recluse for the last 10-15 years. He doesn't like crowds, and doesn't get out much. He is a big, ole, sweetheart, but has a lot of anxieties. I was worried about him coming on the trip at all, let alone spend time at the park with the hoards of people. I promised him his very own room, so he could retreat if needed.

And you know what? He didn't need to hide. Ryan gets the Happy Camper Award for best vacationer. He was amazing, and I saw a side of him that I didn't know he had. I could tell that at times, it was not easy for him, but he made himself stick it all out, even when he had the option of going back to the hotel to get away from the heat and the people.

He stayed with me, knowing I was tired, and hadn't got much rest, and was there for me all day when I needed him. And when hotel rooms needed to be changed around, he stepped up and offered to share. I was proud of my son, and how he left his comfort zone behind when he joined the family on this vacation.

Notes to my son

family, Ryan

By Karla Nathan / June 28, 2020

We had sprinkled ashes around the farm on trees given as memorials, by the wind chimes Ryan had hung, and by flowers he had planted. We want to take some to Wyoming and Florida also. Ry was not a traveler and we couldn’t get him to go with us on trips, except for two to those spots.

He came along on our big family vacation to Siesta Key, and to the giant family trip to Casper in honor of Grandma Joan’s 80th birthday. Both times, he tried to back out, but we were insistent.

We did our best to make him comfortable, in Florida we rented a large enough condo for him to have his own suite so he could have solitude when needed.

(He never knew that we almost Home Aloned him, my husband and I both drove away to pick up other family members to take to the airport, each thinking the other had Ryan!)

For the lake house birthday party, where relatives from all over the country gathered to share a large home that slept about 40, we knew that would overwhelm his sensory disorder. To help, we hauled a camper with us so he could have his own house away from the commotion when he needed quiet.

Both times, he surprised himself by having a blast. He loved family time and joined in on games and excursions, even one to Disney. We were so glad that we had practically forced him to come along, and I will treasure that time with him forever.
Some of his ashes will be sprinkled in each place.

He was always my power washing buddy too, so next time I get that machine out, I want to shoot some ash across the drive way with the spray.

I know, slightly odd, but he would have thought it was cool.

His ashes hadn’t been delivered yet when I had the washer out recently, so I wrote his name with it for now.

More of the remains will be made into blown glass. But most have been placed in this hand made urn.

A sweet friend from my book club invited me to the ceramic studio behind her home to pick out an urn crafted by her husband, Ed McCormick. He does beautiful work and I was overwhelmed by his generosity.

They had sat out creamy and soft colored, elegant vases that would have matched my home perfectly.

But when I saw this one, I burst into tears, knowing that the floral-ish looking skulls around it were ideal for my boy. He always liked to doodle skulls, some with top hats, some with roses. I came across a few when I cleaned out his apartment.

The urn now sits next to a shadow box frame with Ryan’s portrait and his favorite matchbox car from childhood in it.

I had planned on putting the angel I had made from Sugarwings’ “fairy building kit to go” in his room, but I like it here instead. It is by a hydrangea dried from an arrangement sent to us.

When I think of something that I need to tell him, I write it down and put it in the urn. Along with the notes, I added a silver skull ring that he liked to wear.

Ryan and I had what people might think were the most boring of conversations. He and I told each other about the little things that happened during our days, interesting or not.

So some of my notes might just be about cleaning out the fridge.

But I know that he liked hearing about what I had been doing, no matter what it was.

It is rare to have someone in your life who never thinks you are monotonous when you ramble on about dull things. Someone who actually wants to hear them.

Other times, I write to him about how much I miss him, memories I had of him growing up, or something funny one of the dogs did.

The notes usually have a blurry spot or two where the ink was splashed with a tear. But somehow, it does feel good to write my thoughts down and place in his jar.

Thank you Ed and Mellisa.

Author name: Karla Nathan