Corona virus – Page 4 – Karla's Cottage

Looking back and finding joy

celebrations, Corona virus, family, Ryan

By Karla Nathan / July 22, 2020

The last few days, I have looked back through my entire blog. I have never re-read it before, except in bits and pieces. (And it did take DAYS). I had hoped to find photos of Ry that I didn’t have saved in my computer, and I got lucky and found quite a few.

Often, they were like this one, big family shots with Ryan as part of the background.

Or this, where he is helping with a chore around the yard. Ryan was often part of the background, or working.

But then, jackpot! Here he is showing the pure jolt of joy and happiness that he never held back on when he was excited.

Looking back through 13 years of blogging, I saw so many blessings in my life.

Some things long forgotten, others a deep part of me. Tough times have come and gone, but through this journal that I have faithfully kept, I can see how lucky I have been over the years. (I also saw some some really cool things that I am kicking myself for selling.)

We are all going through an unprecedented rough time right now with the virus raging on and taking away so much from us.

Maybe we all need a look back at the past to remember our blessings to hold onto them in our hearts, to get through what we are dealing with in the present.

My heart is forever damaged with my boy gone, but having happy times past and future to keep in my thoughts does help.

I had began with recent posts and scrolled backwards, diligently staring through all the photos, occasionally reading something that would make me grin. When I’d find a picture of my son, sometimes there were tears, but more often, smiles.

Coming across the photo of Ryan showing pure joy near the very beginning of my writings, after a few days of flipping through pages of millinery, smiling babies, painted roses, beaches, sisters, adventures with friends, circus, travels with Rich, and other Good Stuff, was like finding the golden ticket in a chocolate bar.

Yes, I have been lucky in my life. I had not only all of those wonderful experiences, I had this moment with Ryan. When he was so happy, he leapt into the air like a kid.

Those are the moments we need to hold onto. With those, will get through this.

In the land of heart shaped rocks

celebrations, Corona virus, family, Ryan, sea shell fairies

By Karla Nathan / July 12, 2020

We have been doing some traveling. Yes, I know that in the Time of Corona, that is an iffy thing. But we have a new RV that allows us to avoid all public restrooms and restaurants, we roll with our own kitchen and bathroom. All we need to do is pump gas, then park and picnic inside the bubble of our little home on wheels.

This trip was to Wyoming, where the virus hasn’t become a big threat. We gathered at the spacious lake house we’d gone to before on our big family reunion. This time, the attendance was much smaller, due to the concerns of the plague hanging over us all.

Honestly, I was not a fan of the idea. Shouldn’t we all just stay home, doing our part to stop the spread?

But, my husband and I are dealing with our boy’s death in different ways. I couldn’t even speak to anyone at all for along time, he wants his people around him, and was especially missing his family. Whom I also love, and love to spend time with. It meant a lot to him, he needed his people.

I felt more than a little guilty about indulging ourselves with a vacation/family reunion but knew that this one was about as safe as one could be.

Buying the new camper made me feel pretty secure. And we questioned everyone we were going to be seeing on their practices. Our family members had all been careful, working at home, shopping at early morning senior hours, staying in, etc.

A couple of weeks ago, we took the RV to North Carolina for the grand fairies to see their daddy, and while NC is far from as virus free as the remote lands of Wyoming, that had gone well and had also been very careful there.

So, I took some of Ryan’s ashes from the urn Ed Noonen had gifted us with and carefully packed some in the “to go vase” he had also made. Actually, the small vase was a separate gift, not exactly meant to be a traveling ash container, but it seemed ideal for that purpose. I have mentioned that Ry wasn’t fond of getting out and seeing the world. But when we last vacationed in Casper, he rode along and had a great time.

We had pulled a camper then too. Not because the lake house was too crowded, it sleeps DOZENS, but to provide a private place for him to retreat to if needed. We practically forced him to come and used the fact that it was his grandma’s 85th birthday to guilt him into it.

And we were so glad we did. He joined in, laughed with everyone, took long walks in the hills with me, helped in the kitchen, and even placed pretty high in the ping pong tournament. It was such a pleasure to remember him there with us, that we wanted to spread some of his remains in a spot that had been special to us.

This might sound odd, and might also mean that I am totally losing it, but carefully tending to the ashes, and wrapping them up to take along reminded me of taking care of him as a baby. Geez, why did I even tell you that? I do sound crazy. And grief will do that to you. Maybe I felt like I was doing something for him like I used to when he was just little?

Sugarwings and Dewdrop went hiking with their cousins and all of the girls brought back heart shaped rocks for me.

I do not remember seeing any at all when we were there three years ago. But on this visit? They were abundant.

The largest rock is next to his urn now. The teeniest is wrapped up in a note to him, inside the urn.

When I came across the smaller, almost perfect heart, I knew it would be an ideal bodice along with the larger hearts as wings and skirt, to form an angel for my boy.

There is twisty, weathered wood all around too. I picked up pieces to make a frame around his angel. Then took the ashes out to it, and let Sugarwings sprinkle them over it all.

While I hadn’t thought I needed this trip, like my husband did, I found out that I certainly had. Staying in a unique spot that was full of happy memories and being able to create this angel for Ryan with stones found by the girls was good for me.

As was spending time with two of the dearest sister-in-laws anyone could have. Both of them offered their own big hearts to me when I sobbed.

My husband says the time was healing for him.

I can’t say that for myself. Right now, I don’t see any possibility of ever healing.

But I can say that when people who care about me were there to listen to me talk about our loss, and to show their love, I knew that I had not lost everything. It is good to feel their love, when I needed it so badly.

I know that with this virus ramping up and raging through our world, not everyone has the luxury of buying an RV to go be near family. Although our son is dead, I still feel blessed for what we do have. And my heart goes out to those who suffer through the loss of the ones they love completely alone due to the isolation we are all going through.

Big memories, but a small memorial

celebrations, Corona virus, family, Ryan

By Karla Nathan / June 21, 2020

We had an ancient oak on our property, just over the creek. My husband would snuggle under it with his little grand fairies and tell them family stories. He wanted to share memories of people who had passed and places they had come from.

They always called it the “Grandfather Tree”.

When it was lost to a storm, we had it turned into a dining table, big enough to seat our whole family without pulling in extra tables for more space. When we were together, we were a total of 11, and I’d joked it was a Nathans’ Dozen, kinda like a bakers’ Dozen wasn’t exactly twelve either.

When Ryan died, his Indiana cousins sent a tiny oak for us to plant. I don’t know if they knew about the Grandfather Tree, or if it was just luck that the gift they sent was also an oak. But when Sugarwings saw the type of tree, she suggested we call it “The Uncle Tree”. She used a wood burning tool to write that on a sign her daddy made from some cedar planks we had.

We planted the little tree, and most of the remaining Nathan Dozen sprinkled some ashes on it, while saying something about Ry Guy. I had confetti to throw too. He would have thought that was funny.

He was always laughing with me.

As I was gathering up the wrappings the oak had come in, I almost threw away a small, silver plaque that said “The Cousin Tree” that had been sent along with it. We added that to Sugarwings’ sign.

The oak is near our gazebo, filled with the wind chimes we received and the ones Ryan had hung there.

On the other side of the gazebo is a weeping redbud that was sent by the Guncles, and a vintage rose bush sent by a friend.

Rich and I like to turn on a sprinkler that waters them in an arc around us, while the hens play in the spray and the breeze makes the chimes sing to us. On the hottest days, this is a cool, shady place to sit with a glass of wine in the evening, holding Dorothy (Ryan’s favorite dog) on my lap.

Ry and I had a habit of watching a tv show together every night after dinner, and this has taken the place of tv watching for that hour. It is comforting.

Sometimes, I sit there and embroider.

The roses Ryan had planted for me were in full bloom the day we planted the Uncle Tree, so we placed some ashes around the rose bush too, and on the iris bulbs he had planted. Although the rest of the iris around the farm were done, there was one last flower in the patch.

Because of the Corona Virus, there was no funeral.

There was no hustle bustle of running to the airport to gather up family members and hugs from far away.

Ryan was a quiet guy who didn’t care for crowds. With his sensory disorder, crowded places were physically hard for him to be in. But he was also a loving soul who enjoyed his one on one conversations when he was in a group.

I feel bad that he did not get a big goodbye, but he is one of many who could not have the funeral they should’ve. We have lost over 100,000 people, plus the ones like my boy, who died, not from the virus itself, but from what I feel is Covid related circumstances.

Maybe our small gathering due to social distancing was just what Ryan would have preferred. And while I missed being able to have a funeral, I felt as if I had gotten hugs from afar with all of the cards, letters, flowers, and gifts that caring people had sent.

I treasured each and every kind message, comment, and thought. I am rereading notes, drying flowers, and saving empty vases to mosaic on. We are tending bushes and trees sent in his memory and listening to the melody of the wind in the chimes. Each and every compassionate item that came to us helped, and was appreciated.

Thank you all for caring.

And Ryan, thank you for being my friend, walking buddy, caretaker, horror movie watching companion, helper, and my little boy.

I will always miss my baby.

An angel for Ryan

Corona virus, family, sea shell fairies

By Karla Nathan / June 10, 2020

Sugarwings went caving and kayaking with her dad last weekend. While there, she gathered rocks and shells for me, calling it a “fairy kit to go”.

In the box of pretty rocks, was just what I needed to make an angel for Ryan. Typically, I leave my fairies and angels on beaches, but this one is for Ryan’s room, so I glued her to one of the favorite paintings that he had in there.

A few days before he died, we took one of our long walks together and as I glanced down, I spied a four leaf clover. He and I were both so excited, you’d have thought I’d found a fifty dollar bill, not a leaf. I was using a cane, and had a Twinkle on a leash, so Ryan carefully held that clover throughout the rest of our walk and I pressed it when I got home.

I am still going on my Ryan walks. Usually with Twinkle, sometimes with my husband, always with tears. One walk was with my son, Adam, and I told him about the shamrock. That night, he brought me two that he found for Ryan and I.

Ryan’s digital portrait and a thank you

Corona virus, family, paintings

By Karla Nathan / June 5, 2020

I did a digital sketch on my iPad while missing my boy.

It is preliminary, in planning a larger, acrylic paininting that I can frame.

Every heartfelt message that was left on my posts about Ryan is appreciated, thank you. I have read them numerous times and am slowly, a few at a time, trying to acknowledge each one on FB, IG and my blog. Over the years, I have been lucky to get to know so many online friends, some I have met in person, others just through typed words. Social media has been a great way to meet friends and now it is a comfort to hear from them as well as from family, past co-workers, and long time friends who are all far away. So many have reached out to me with kindness, and I appreciate the sincere caring that went into the comments. Some make me cry, some make me smile, others touch me with a shared grief. All are meaningful to me. Thank you.

You don’t have to catch Covid 19 to have it impact your health

Corona virus, family

By Karla Nathan / May 31, 2020

Our family took all the precautions we could to maintain our household and keep from being infected. But were we so busy worrying about catching the virus that we overlooked other health risks it could cause?

Anxiety, fear, and worry can eat away at even the healthiest amoung us. But if a person is prone to panic attacks or depression, the pressures of not knowing how this pandemic would leave us in its aftermath (or even if we could look forward to an “after” at all) can be harder to withstand.

Millions have to worry about the loss of a job, or not being able to feed a family. For essential workers, there was the fear of having to be out in the midst of people who could possibly infect you. For my son, Ryan, there was added danger of bringing the virus into the nursing home he cooked at. He knew that if he had a slip up while pumping gas or buying groceries he could end up killing someone’s grandmother by unknowingly bringing the Corona virus into work with him.

Ryan came into the pandemic with a history of both heart problems and depression. He had worked hard to keep himself both physically fit and calm. He had found a contentment in his life, with his gym workouts and family time. I would even say he had been happy in his routines.

One of the first closures in the early days of the pandemic was the gym Ry had faithfully gone to for years. He tried to make up for the loss with his small, home gym along with walking for miles in all kinds of weather. Adding his lightened workout schedule to our family’s amped up dinner time filled with daily doses of comfort food, the common “Covid 15” weight gain crept up on him.

Anxiety can also cause excess snacking, or maybe an extra cigarette or two throughout the day. Neither of which were good for a former cardiac patient.

Not to be dismissed is the importance of human touch. Not only for our souls, but for our health. Social distancing means isolation for those who live alone. Ryan lived in an apartment on the side of our house, and was in our home, so he didn’t have to face total isolation. But as a nursing home employee, he was super conscious about not being the cause of illness for us or in the care center. He was a guy who couldn’t leave a room without an “I love you” and a hug. During our time of sheltering in place, we had to suffice with elbow bumps instead.

Many times, my son said to me, “It is killing me not to hug you guys goodnight.”

With Kansas reopening businesses and people trying to get back to normal routines, we had recently welcomed more family members into our “quarentainer”, while following strict guidelines for sanitizing our visitors and their belongings. The night before he passed away, we decided that we could suspend the No Hugs rule. With a house now filled with grand fairies, hugs had become abundant again, and I hugged Ryan goodnight for the first time in months. The last time I saw my boy alive I got a bear hug along with a kiss on the top of the head.

The coroner tells us that he thinks Ryan had a sudden heart attack. That sounds apt considering the stress he was under. That we are all under right now. Ryan did not die of Covid 19, but I feel like it was why he died when he did. He was past due for a physical, and was waiting until visiting a doctor’s office wasn’t a risky thing to do.

We may be opening up businesses and relaxing some rules but this is not over.

The fears are not gone.

The stress is still here.

Maybe you, or someone you know is suffering also. Please check in with texts, emails, or calls to someone who can help you. Or to whom you can offer help. These are scary times that we are living in and any comfort offered is appreciated and needed.

Don’t avoid medical check ups or put off self care. If you can’t do things like going to the gym, or getting a massage, taking a child to the park, seeing a movie, having a cocktail with friends to relax, or whatever takes you to your happy place- please find another outlet for your angst. We all need to look for joy wherever we can find it to keep from being overwhelmed and overtaken by the gloom hanging over us.

The one thing that survivors of this pandemic still have is each other, even six feet apart. Let’s be there for each other in any way we can. I know that I am not alone in my grief, now that the number of recognized deaths has hit a staggering 100,000. Plus, think of the uncounted, untested who passed away. And the ones who couldn’t take the despair and gave in to suicide or had a drug overdose. The ones who avoided seeing a doctor because they were terrified of going to a hospital. The nursing home patients who wasted away in loneliness, wondering if they would ever see their loved ones again.

Lockdowns in hospitals and nursing homes meant that the majority of these deaths were solitary. Following the guidelines for social distancing, the funerals for them are not happening. Our inability to have a service for our son has become the norm.

Thank you, to all who reached out to me with kind words of support. Each and every text, note, comment, and call felt like a spot of warmth in my despair. Not being able to see family and friends for a memorial makes these gestures even more treasured. I can feel the caring and appreciate the efforts made to share it.

When hugs and physical togetherness aren’t allowed, kind and caring words can go a long way. And I don’t know anyone who couldn’t use more of them right now.

I am far from being the only one suffering a loss. We are facing various types of losses too, not just death or illness. But the stress of losing your way of life can cause an actual illness.

If I had been watching out for Ryan’s inner turmoil, would I still have my baby boy?

An inconceivable loss

Corona virus, family

By Karla Nathan / May 27, 2020

Ryan Joseph Nathan was born on January 27, 1978 and grew up in Lawrence, KS, attending Lawrence High. He passed away from natural causes on May 23rd. He leaves behind his parents, Rich and Karla Nathan, his brother, Adam, two nieces, Leandra and Mayara. His extended family included Avahni, Makiah, and Katie Tree Pierson, Caitlin Hornbeck, and Thia Sleszynski.

No services will be held due to the current social distancing standards.

Ryan spent most of his working years as a cook, for a long time at Conroy’s Pub and most recently at Brandonwoods. He took his responsibilities for the welfare of the senior diners there very seriously in these days of Covid 19, and to keep them as well as his parents safe, he had given up his favorite thing in life, the loving hugs that everyone knew him for.

He was a kind, gentle man with a strong work ethic. He was such a hard worker that his family would refer to him as “The Machine” as he tackled jobs with a determination and tenacity. The same strength showed in his love of weight training and dedication to working out. There was rarely a day that his Fitbit showed less than 20,000 steps.

Ryan overcame a childhood of bullying for his learning disabilities, and many people never got a chance to know him because of the walls he put up from those experiences. Behind his quiet facade, was a witty sense of humor, and more thoughtfulness than you could expect to find in one person.

He preferred a low key lifestyle and had few requirements for happiness. Long walks with his mother and the dogs who adored him. Watching The Walking Dead series, a baking contest show, or a goofy comedy movie with his folks. Sitting on the patio and chatting about his day while his dad grilled steaks. Feeding all of the stray cats in the neighborhood. Playing a board game with his nieces. Hanging out with his brother, one on one. Lifting weights while listening to his extensive list of downloaded music. Googling things he was curious about. Making old friends laugh with his wit. He enjoyed washing and caring for his cars, the favorites over the years were an old Mustang, a Jaguar, and his latest, a Jeep. He was a lifelong fan of wrestling, and liked to watch past matches from years ago.

Ryan never wanted to leave a room without a hug and an “I love you”

Adjusting our quarenteam and adding to the quarentainer cottage

Corona virus, Dew Drop, family, Sugarwings

By Karla Nathan / May 24, 2020

Quarantining had been going fine for us. Sharing Sugarwings with her mom’s household, had added their home to our “quarenteam” so we didn’t feel too isolated or lonely. Plus, meeting friends for social distancing walks and zoom calls, kept me in touch.

I guess that I had walled off many of my loneliness for the rest of our family, to get through this period.

But when Dewdrop and her daddy arrived for a visit, and the big girls came over, my heart swelled like the Grinch’s did when he discovered the meaning of Christmas and realized that he loved the Whos.

We all said that our big sleepover felt just like Christmas. The grandfairies and I were thinking of little acts of kindness we could do as gifts for each other.

Welcoming them in wasn't a simple process. Sugarwings’ mom is an RN and researched in-depth some protocols to keep their arrival as safe as possible.

They all waited outside, then one at a time, each emptied their bags onto an outdoor table to be wiped down.

And ran over with an ultraviolet wand.

Sugarwings helped with hand sanitizers before each person came inside, stood in a tub, took off their clothes and went to the shower. Gloves were used to carry clothes to the washer, while fresh clothing was sanitized to wear after the shower.

While this virus rages on, we each have to figure out how to cope. We know that total isolation and never leaving the house can probably keep you safe. But as humans, that can only sustain us for so long.

We figured we had to make some choices to be as safe as we can be, and still make it work for our own needs.

Not everyone has the same viewpoint. We took our boat to the lake, and it was more crowded than I had ever seen it, in the decades we had been going there.
Boating could be a good thing to do for social distancing, one family, one boat, right? Out on the lake, far from other people?

It worked that way for us, we were not near anyone on our trip.

But while out, we saw so many parties, of multiple boats tied up together with groups going back and forth from boat to boat, kids all splashing together in the water.
But who am I to judge? I am sure that there are plenty of people who are much more stringent with their guidelines than I am, and would think that allowing family houseguests is pushing the limits.

Being judgey never helped anyone. I hope you are finding what you need to keep safe as you reasonably can and still find some happiness and comfort.

This isn’t over yet.

May baskets, that may be a bit late

Corona virus, flowers, how to's, vintage paper/collage art

By Karla Nathan / May 21, 2020

It might be closer to June than May, but little peat pot baskets are nice any time of year, right?

I didn’t get them delivered by May Day either.

My buddies and I met up for a socially distant walk on a trail, and I brought each a baggie of home made body scrub/bath salts (it can be used either way). I made it with Epsom salts, sugar, coconut oil, and a drop or two essential oil for scent. No measuring, I simply stir with my hands til it feels good, then try it out in the sink to see if it needs a little more of something or another.

The peat pots have pipe cleaner handles inserted into a hole punched on each side of the pot with the ends twisted into place. Flowers were twisted onto the wires.

I glued a bit of ephemera to the front each pot. Then crumpled up some dyed coffee filters and used those as a liner for the bags of salts.

Don’t the filters look like roses blooming in the pots? And, seriously, it is simply three coffee filters rumpled and stuffed into a peat pot. The prettiness just happens on its own, no skill needed.

I keep dyed filters on hand because of their many uses. And the fact that they come in packs of 100, so when I dye them, I do a lot! I have used Rit dye, Fiber reactive dye, watercolor, or just plain old food coloring, whatever is handy. I dip them in and hang them to dry, then stack them up and store in the studio. I love to have different colors on hand to ruffle up and use in craft projects or like this, to line gift packages, instead of tissue paper.

Sewing wins and losses

Corona virus, dogs, sewing?

By Karla Nathan / May 15, 2020

Remember the “squishies” I was making in animal shapes from memory foam? Sugarwings got into cutting them up too. But she would take a 10” piece of foam to make a 1” critter. She was really into the snipping part of the craft.

So, I saved all of her trimmings, and thought I would make a dog pillow with it. There weren’t quite enough, but I had another pillow that seen better days that I took apart too. This is about half memory foam, and all of the dogs love it, and want to claim it for their own.

And the dog’s floor pillow matches the other pillows in the room now, it is much prettier than the other dog beds. I might just make some slipcover type pillow cases to dress up the rest of the dog beds.

With five dogs in the house, we have beds strewn from one end of the house to the other. And most are hideous.

Although, sewing isn’t my strong suit- here is my first attempt at making a face mask.

Of course, I am too stubborn to use a pattern, I thought I could just wing it.

uhm, no

After trying it on, and seeing how bad the fit was, I cut it down a bit.

A lot.

It seemed okay.

But it was not.

I couldn’t breathe through it, and felt light headed after a quick trip to the store. So, I ordered some professionally made ones and decided that I would go back to using my sewing machine only for straight lines like making crepe paper ruffles for projects, or easy peasy pillow cases for dogs.

The masks I ordered have arrived and they aren’t even in the same species as the ones I tried to make.

These are silk, and light as a feather on my face. But not tickle-y like a feather would be.

I got five silk masks from Johnny Was for $25, free shipping. For each set they sell, they donate another five to healthcare workers. You don’t get to choose the fabric, and some of the five are prettier than others, but all fit and feel wonderful. The ones I don’t care for are not ugly, just not my style, more Asian than rosy. But still pretty.

And I got a lot of compliments on it at the doctor’s office and even at Costco. Those places are big highlights in my social life now, and I actually put on make up to go to them, it feels like such a special occasion to be out and about!

Makeup isn’t something that gets much use around here, and I don’t mind at all. Will lipstick become a thing of the past now that masks are where it is at? Will we have every day masks and special occasion ones? If so, maybe I should save my silky ones for dress up and wear paper for daily activities?

Funny to admit, but I did feel a little dressed up in my fancy mask. After giving myself a home haircut, It does seem silly to care, huh? But a stylin type mask was kinda nice.