family

My dear friend, Angie, remembered me telling her that Bobbie helped design a tattoo with hearts and forget-me-nots for her grandchild.  Angie never forgets any detail when it comes to thoughtfulness, and went on a thrifting hunt to find forget-me-not treasures to give to me.  

The pretty plate got hung in my kitchen so I’d have a daily reminder of my sister.  Not that forgetting her is a danger!  She is always a part of me.  

I have been missing her so much this last week.  I think the grief is amplified by thinking about her daughters’ first Mothers Day without her.  I hope they can still celebrate their mom, and their own motherhood through the pain of loss.  

It is always a hard week for me, with my own mom gone, and now without my boy.  Ryan was always so sweet to me on this holiday.  I try to concentrate on the love, not the loss, but tears are shed multiple times in the week leading up to this Sunday.  Yesterday, I took the dog on a walk down Ryan’s favorite route, and she and I talked about Ryan, Bobbie, and Mom (yes, the dog enjoys a good conversation while out on a stroll).  We discussed my Mom’s sense of humor and her love of iris, Ryan’s way of caring for me that was always so gentle and kind.  And Bobbie’s never ending interest in taking photos of the beauties of the sky.  I like to look up at clouds and sunsets and imagine her grabbing a dozen or more pictures of the scene.

When I got home, I was reading about the electromagnetic storm that was making the aurora bourealis visible in areas where it’s not usually seen.   Seeing the northern lights is a dream of mine, so I was impatiently waiting for the prime time to go out and look. And saw-

nothing.

So, I tried the iPhone trick I’d read about.  That the night setting on the camera was stronger than our eyes and to look at the clouds through that.

That worked, revealing the colors that were hiding in the dark.  I’d walked up the bridge over I70, waiting between cars for enough darkness to get a good look, thinking about how mom and I used to lie on a blanket in the yard watching the sky.  And how Ryan would stand on that same bridge with me to view fireworks.  And how Bobbie would plan her whole beach vacation evening around getting a sunset photo at the perfect moment.

The photos I took were pretty, but I was feeling confused and wondering if I was truly seeing the aurora borealis or not.  Taking photos facing south, the colors were normal, so I guessed the northern pics were for real.  I decided to go for a drive further into the country for a better dark sky, and my sweetheart got up out of bed to take me.  Everywhere we went, other people had the same idea, cars were stopped on country roads, people were looking up at the sky with their phones.

Mom, Bobbie, and Ryan all would have loved the hidden colors that you had to hunt for to enjoy.  The night sky itself looked perfectly normal, til the photo was taken and you could see the surprise of the color show.

With loss so heavy on my mind that day and already feeling sad, at first I was feeling super disappointed.  Where were the northern lights I’d always wanted to see?  It was just a dark sky, unless I used my camera to see it.  Then, the more I looked at it through the lens, the more colors I saw and I was so glad that Rich and I had taken this little drive after bedtime to find them.

I was reminded that beauty is all around us and sometimes you just have to look a little harder to find it.  It’s a lot like grief.  These people I love so much are not ever going to be in my sight again. But if I look with my heart, not my eyes, there they are.

Filling my heart with colors.

Last weekend we took advantage of a way above average Spring day and hit the lake for a ride.  We needed action photos of our boat to get her sold, and that was an ideal day to do it.

For this shot, Sugarwings and I were dropped off at the shoreline.  Which isn’t as simple as that sounds.  The water was cold and there is no dock, only a rocky, slippery shallow spot.  The boat only has seconds to pause for us to jump out before it has to back out and avoid rocks.

We managed.  I had no worries about the nimble Grandfairy, it was my old lady qualities that made me leery about making a quick go of leaping down and not falling with a big, freezing splash.  I was fine, all went well, plus it made me lose any lingering doubts about selling our boat.

Even after 28 years of pontooning, I still stressed about what could go wrong. Because things can go wrong.  We have hit our propeller on rocks before, lost ladders, had engine trouble and were stranded, it all happens no matter how capable and skilled you are at handling the big, ole, floating thing.  So, I’d often have nagging stresses during many maneuvers, and not be relaxed like a person should be while out on the water.

But this day?  It was a very nice one.  Honestly, 99% of them are, gliding across the lake while kids giggled on a tube has been a major pastime for us since this one came into our lives.  Sugarwings was raised as a lake person.  

Surprisingly, mid-April in KS proved to be a spectacular day for one last spin on the tube too. The water was way too frigid for a swim, but this kid is such an expert tuber, they were not going to fall in and were happy to have a good bye loop across the waves.

I got the boat sparkling clean, took lots of photos, then made ads on marketplace and Craigslist, thinking we’d be in for a couple weeks of haggles and tire (or pontoon) kickers. But nope, we were inundated with messages, that it was impossible to keep up with and that boat sold immediately!  How lucky for us.  

We had such happy memories out on that lake, my husband could pull kids and other family members nonstop for hours.  I have packed tons of picnics, and we’ve had years of laughter out there.  I was very surprised that Rich wanted to sell it, but with so much of our family moved away, it always seemed like too much work just for the two of us.  And when we would go out with friends for wine and sunsets, coming home and putting it all away after dark was a hassle, and we enjoy our friends every bit us much having a glass of wine in the garden.

So it was time, at least close to being time.  We wanted to sell while it still had value and we could get some cash out of the deal.  In retirement, that matters more than ever.

I did feel bad for Sugarwings, that kid not only had a big chunk of the family move away, now we have given up the boat because they are gone.  But that sweet child is so understanding and knows it was a tough decision to make and that some of the cash will go for trips and other fun things we do together.

We have been a boating family since way before I had a digital camera, so there aren’t any photos of our first years on the water. 

But there are many special pictures.

And so many special moments.

Today is Bobbie’s service.

This is a little sketch I did for her, of a phrase the family repeated and followed. “Valentine Strong” was represented by the dedication and love my nieces showed their mom through her struggles and illness.

By Bobbie’s husband, Doug, taking such loving care of her through his own battle with dementia.

And the phrase shone bright in Bobbie’s eyes as she was determined to appreciate her last weeks and all of the people she loved.

My sister was brave, strong, and never complained. I was so proud of her and her entire family.  I cherish the time I had with all of them at this turning point in our lives.