Ryan – Karla's Cottage

Five years without him

Ryan

By Karla Nathan / May 23, 2025

I wrote this poem for Ryan on the 2nd anniversary of losing him. At the time, it felt like a lifetime without him.

Now it’s 5 years.

Grief never leaves, but it changes. I no longer sob daily, but he is in my mind every single day.

Almost two years without our Ry.

With his hidden strength beneath kind eyes

That had seen cruelty

But instead looked for peace.

He had to change his reality

To put his mind at ease.

A lifetime of struggle, a lifetime of change

A hurt boy, a hurt soul, a new man, a new day.

Carefully controlling the fears, to keep them at bay

Growing into his laughter, his comfort, his space

Learning to allow himself joy in a limited way.

It’s been too long without our Ry.

With his heart so weak, but true.

In his youth they saw that he was shy

But didn’t know he was deep

There was more to him than many knew

The unfairness, the waste, makes me weep

Has it been forever without our Ry?

It seems he was just here with me.

I still see his flashing smile as days go by

And I roam where we walked endlessly.

We could talk about nothing

As we talked of everything effortlessly.

There was more to him than he ever knew

The unfairness and loss makes me weep.

His kindness, his humor, his handsomeness too

Were all beyond where his thoughts could leap.

With torment and doubt clouding his mind

He worked, and he tried, he strived and he cried.

Did he ever feel that people could see

The man he became, the one so kind?

It’s been too long without our Ry.

Without his “I Love You” and a kiss on my head

A quiet smile when he said “hi”

And his warm, loving hugs would begin

The dog’s tiny paws would dance

After work when she heard his car pull in

Almost two years without our Ry

The pain and the loss makes me weep.

No, it’s not easier as days slip by

This is a suffering I’ll keep.

Ryan’s birthday

family, Ryan

By Karla Nathan / January 28, 2025

The 27th is Ryan’s birthday which makes his birthstone a garnet. I decided to make myself a garnet bracelet with a silver heart to wear on his day.

Bobbie’s last name was Valentine and the anniversary of losing her is two days after the holiday, so I made one in honor of her too.

After losing ones I love so much, reminders aren’t needed, they stay in my thoughts. Sometimes as a soft murmur in the background, others like a wail. Or a quiet giggle heard from across the room. A constant reminder.

Still symbols and trinkets while not needed, can be pleasant to have. With a glance at my wrist while wearing these, I can imagine Ryan looking over my shoulder while I am crafting and saying, “That’s cool, mom”. Or sharing pictures of my creations with Bobbie, who loved making beaded bracelets too.

Grief hasn’t left me, but it does take on different forms. Since losing my sister in February, I’ve had some rough patches. There were some times when I simply didn’t care much about the world around me, and I was doing just the bare minimum to get by. Some days, maybe I didn’t even get that much done.

I might be in a better place right now, but who knows. The sadness is always there, the missing them never ends.

We lost a kind hearted brother this year too. I grieve for him and his family who are experiencing a year of “first times without”.

I have no advice for anyone who has experienced death of a loved one. All I know is that those I love will always be with me. And I take solace in the little things, the sound of Ryan’s wind chimes, fixing his favorite meal, making a bracelet with he and Bobbie in my mind as I create.

Sugarwings is good at making a day special

family, Ryan, Sugarwings

By Karla Nathan / June 18, 2024

Sugarwings is spending the first half of the summer in NC. Before leaving, we add some extra nice days together.

On the anniversary of Ryan’s death that sweet Grandfairy offered to help cook dinner (including this Jack Skellington pie, wow!), then wanted to watch a zombie show with me, like Ryan and I used to do.

To go along with the meal we were making together, I ordered an onion blossom at Texas Roadhouse. We had one together on Ry’s last birthday, and he had decided that we should make a tradition of it.

Rich doesn’t want to make the day we lost our boy a day we mark, he wants to focus on birthdays instead. Which of course, I sure get, but no matter what, May 24th is a day we cannot gloss over. The date haunts us all week, even when we say we will go about our business and plan other things.

So this year, I decided I was going to honor Ryan with some of his favorite foods and shows. Sugarwings was there for me and every bit as sweet as that artistic pie.

When I picked up the crunchy onion, country music was playing on the outdoor speakers at the restaurant. Then, as I walked to the car, my boy’s lifelong, favorite song, Footloose, began to play. At that moment I looked down to see this heart rock, standing out from the other stones in the flowerbeds.

I was so glad I’d made plans with our Grandfairy to celebrate him that day. And grateful for the kid by my side while we honored him.

We also had some crafting days, I made some coffee filter roses. Not because it was one of the many jobs I need to get done, but because it sounded pretty.

Sugarwings worked with polymer clay and made blueberries for me. It’s hard to tell which of these is the real one the others were modeled upon, isn’t it?

We also saw a movie, and wore matching jammies to it so we’d be cozy.

Another day, we took the dogs to the park and saw this heart shining through the dappled shadows made by the trees.

I am missing this kiddo who enjoys small adventures with me. But I have even more reason to look forward to their return. There is a shot that Dewdrop will be tagging along to spend some time here in Kansas for July.

I think I see a few more adventures coming up in the second half of the summer.

Missing and remembering

celebrations, family, Ryan

By Karla Nathan / May 24, 2024

Four years ago today, we lost Ryan. Rich and I tell each other that it’s date we do not want to note, we want to celebrate his birthdays, and let this date not be a feature in our lives.

But it is.

I cannot get around it, the 24th looms over the entire month. May is my own birthday and Mother’s Day, both dates Ryan made special. It is also when we’d take our “bonus” Sister Trips. So of course, happy memories of Bobbie are a big part of May now too.

Honestly, I should’ve tried harder to make that Sister Trip work out this season. Traditions are important, and memories need to be cherished not avoided. I’ve been a bit of a wreck. I can’t let my favorite month, when spring is at its best and I wake up every morning with windows open, listening to the birds sing, become the D lister of the year. May deserves celebrating, as do Ry and Bobbie Sue.

Heck, it even comes with its own weekend of memorials.

Letting myself be sad when I need to helps. But I’ve tried to enjoy my springtime along with missing them. I did extra yard work, remembering how Ryan would love a tour of what we accomplished. I cleaned and freshened his room, then sat down to look out of his window awhile. I’ve looked through scrapbooks, albums, and photos on my phone. I’ve talked to Ryan and Bobbie, and talked about them too.

And I have loved them. Both are still, and always, always will be, big parts of my life. No matter what the date is.

Return to the night of the Living Dead, the Downtown Lawrence Zombie Parade!

Food and Drink, holiday decor, Ryan, Sugarwings

By Karla Nathan / October 29, 2023

Over the last decade or so, October has come to be the month when I take a trip.

So, I often miss the downtown Lawrence Zombie parade.

I’ve gotten to go here and there, when the timing is right. And the weather too. Typically, KS can be at its best on a late, October evening. But could also be an onslaught of freezing rain, so you never know.

This year? Perfection! And half the town agreed. The streets were as full of living people as they were of the dead.

We were lucky to find not only a parking spot, but at seat outside at a favorite restaurant so we could eat dinner while enjoying the invasion of corpses.

That’s where our lucky streak stopped dead in it’s tracks.

The line was so long to get a bowl of ramen that we were given a number to be called out when it was our turn to wait to order.

Just about then, the lunch ladies stumbled by, but we stuck with our plan to wait and eat later.

It was too bad we didn’t get to slurp noodles and pretend they were guts, but hey, you can’t win them all.

And it was such a gory, good time. We didn’t mind waiting for dinner.

We sat back in our perfect seats, guessed the back stories of the ghouls as they strolled by, and critiqued the acting.

Some of even the littlest kids were quite committed to their part.

But to me, it seemed like the people who were into it the most were grown men.

Many walkers chatted away with others in their group. Some played the part well, though And this gal was on her phone. Or was she purposely doing that because teenage girls are teenage girls weather zombified or not.

And teens do love their phones. I can imagine that even turning wouldn’t separate a young girl from her device.

When the walk was winding down, we tried to do a call in take out order for food just in case, but the wait was still quite long. And when we spied that the line was dwindling, we checked inside to find out they were out of noodles.

I don’t know how many zombies paraded through Lawrence, but we watched them lurch by for about an hour and a half.

They start at the south end of town, about 11th street, walk up one sidewalk to 6th, then down the other sidewalk back to their crypts, or cars, or wherever they end up.

We noticed that many of them trickled into the downtown bars and restaurants after their hungry march, so the options for takeout just got smaller for us.

As we looked into the windows of restaurants we passed on the way to our car, we saw them full of hungry zombies.

We figured we’d be cooking at home, then noticed there was a lull in the line at Chipotle.

I mentioned that I’d only eaten there once since Ryan died, it had been a favorite of his and held too many memories for me. Back in January, Sugarwings had the idea to eat burritos and watch zombies on tv on Ryan’s birthday, and it had been emotional, but satisfying.

So we thought it was fitting to pick up a bag of food there to take home with us and watch something scary at home while eating in honor of him. We walked right up to the counter, just to see the line immediately fill up behind us as the horde poured in to feed. One more lucky stroke for us, and Sugarwings said Ryan was with us and had guided us that way. He loved zombies and burritos, we would celebrate him with a dinner of Chipotle and more walking dead.

I was so glad that everything about the evening worked out like it did. We almost didn’t go because someone, not naming names here, was late with a bit of schoolwork.

I told them that I really, really wanted to be there on time to get a seat, and reminded the kid of just how much I loved this event. I said, “You know how much you love sea turtles? I feel that way about zombies. They are my favorite animal. I’m sorry there isn’t a sea turtle parade to take you to, but you could finish your homework and take me to the zombie parade .”

Homework was completed, we got seats, parking, and even dinner. (By the way, Sugarwings has some pretty good grades that need to be mentioned, I’m proud of that and they way the homework got finished in time).

It was my idea of a lovely, fall evening.

KC Renfest and unique hearts from Ryan

Dew Drop, fairies, family, Ryan, Sugarwings

By Karla Nathan / October 3, 2023

Renfest season is here! Sugarwings and I snagged a little getaway time and spent a couple of hours wandering around the grounds.

The kiddo isn’t such a kid now (17) but still my partner in adventures.

Both of us are more into exploring the sights than being fairies now.

There are still plenty of laughs and silliness though.

I have always loved the art and architecture that makes this place special.

The details, big and small.

And the characters.

We even saw a couple of the Sanderson Sisters.

It’s the first year that Sugarwings wasn’t into dancing around the maypole with the fairies. Although we did do a dance together along the sidelines.

We were nostalgic, talking about when Kya worked as a henna artist, when Sugarwings’ daddy participated in building the stone castle and sold his art there, when we’d come as a big family group, all fairied up in glitter and wings.

And we talked about the year Ry Guy came along to help me when I was on my own with two tiny grandfairies. He was never a person who did well among hoards of people, but he loved those little princesses and was a trouper that day.

It was extremely crowded, and extra hot that afternoon. The kids were great, we did have fun, but it was past nap time and past Ryan’s crowd quota. So we headed out before we became too overrun with heat and frayed nerves, leaving at just the perfect point, when everyone was still in good moods.

But then, oops.

Where on Middle Earth did we park?

Years ago, I had a car that I simply never recognized. I lost it quite often. Once even getting into the driver’s seat of someone else’s car as they were loading a baby into the back. We both screamed like that scene in ET when Drew Barrymore saw the alien for the first time.

Anyway, my car was lost in the over full, giant parking lot, and we slowly slid past the time when everyone was “still in a good mood.”

After 40 minutes of trudging through heat and dust, pushing a stroller and wanting to leave, we realized we’d walked right on by that car many, many times. Over the years, that became one of those jokes Ryan and I had between ourselves that we would reference and laugh about. Uhm, not that day, though.

Sugarwings didn’t remember that part of it, but we laughed together when I told the story.

Then my little sprite, who is always looking for glimmers from Ryan, pointed out these hearts. My horror story loving boy would have loved those!

Missing our boy

Ryan

By Karla Nathan / May 24, 2023

Today marks three years since Ryan’s death and the last bloom is on the iris he planted for me. The first bloom came on Mothers Day this year.

The rose he surprised me with on a Mother’s Day is starting to bloom now.

And so is one gifted to us after he died.

These reminders mean so much more to me than a tombstone at a cemetery. We have sunset maple at a nearby arboretum and an oak tree planted for him in our yard too.

The oak still looks like a short bush, it hasn’t grown at all in three years. Rich wants to replace it, but it seems fitting to me. Ryan was a late bloomer himself.

Bad Girls Christmas

family, friends, holiday decor, jewelry, Ryan

By Karla Nathan / December 14, 2022

Our annual Bad Girls’ Christmas was again hosted by Angie, in her serene palace in the sky. It’s on the 8th floor and overlooks the KC Plaza, a wonderful view.

She is a caring hostess with attention to every detail. Everything there is always just perfect there. Well, everything but my blurry photos.

This one was a bit blurry too, but you can still see the fun!

She lives near Kaufman Gardens so we walk over to see the holiday displays. It feels good to be surrounded by blooms on a chilly, winter day.

I brought gifts, Beth loves buttons.

Angie always picks up autumn leaves.

She went all Julia Childs on us and served Beef Bourgignon, and oh man, it was good. But I’m afraid everyone had to listen to me do my (very poor) Julia imitation too many times.

I am blessed with the friends I have. And I know how lucky I am. When Rich and I were first married, his job uprooted us a lot. And I had two small boys, one who struggled pretty severely with some disabilities. Those guys both kept me busy, and between always being new in town, and needing to be with the kids, I didn’t meet many people.

Ryan grew into a delightful, caring, witty man, but his childhood was not easy for him. I think that his little body could not keep up with his mind, and his frustration about making himself understood, or to do what he wanted caused a lot of turmoil.

Speaking of Ryan, I felt like I had a surprise visit from him! An article I was reading mentioned street view on Google maps, and I’d never looked at our home there. So I pulled it up, and there he was- mowing the field and getting some sunshine.

At first it was shock to see him, but after a moment, I felt a warmth of happiness, almost as if I’d looked out the window and caught a glimpse of him.

After finishing a scrapbook of my pictures of Ryan, I came across something I wanted to add to it with another photo on it. Then it hit me.

I would never take another picture of my boy.

So finding this one online was a Christmas gift!

He is always with me, and in my heart. But I sure miss seeing him on that mower. Or walking down the sidewalk. Or gleefully throwing his head back in laughter.

Losing a loved one, plus having had those early years of struggle, and loneliness without close friends, makes me even more appreciative of having good friends now.

I treasure our times together.

A new look for old Christmas ornaments

family, Hand painted, holiday decor, Ryan

By Karla Nathan / November 18, 2022

Sometimes an inspiration comes from one simple idea. Other times things just fall into place as you are going and it all just seems like you planned it out, but you didn’t, it just came together.

I had been gifted this magnificent buffet, with inlaid MOP, burned wood, and a pure white, marble top. It is nicer than any piece of furniture I’d have ever bought for myself, and I wanted to highlight it for the holidays

To honor the lovely wood, I thought I’d go more natural with the tree I usually set in that area.

Well, natural for me at least. They’re still sparkly silver! But the decor is centered around nature and family. Birds from my Mom’s house, hand made bird ornaments from friends, deer, fairies, stars, and lots of pinecones, from the day Ryan and I gathered them together.

Every time I think of that day, I have to laugh, it had been so funny for us, freezing, while stuffing pinecones in pockets and inside jackets while the big doodle dog pulled on the leash and I slid down the sidewalk, with Ryan trying to hold me back.
We laughed so hard and joked about it for months, every time we walked by there.
Of course, it was also the day the dog jerked the leash and messed up my shoulder, but we were still laughing and I remember rolling on the wet ice, laugh crying at one point.

I have only been brave enough to walk on the trail where we found those pinecones a couple of times this year. And one time resulted in the same laugh/crying on the ground again. This time, all alone. And the pain from the loss of Ryan is much worse than a torn rotator cuff.

The Christmas after Ryan died, I returned to our spot and gathered up every pinecone I could find. Almost as if I could NOT leave any behind, they were all symbols of Ryan and I and where we used to spend so much time together. So now, I have a lifetime supply of pinecones and they will always be a part of my winter decorating.

This Christmas, I filled the bowl of this garden planter (free at a a garage sale!) with lights and my precious memory pinecones and added a tree filled with hand painted ornaments I’d made for my boy over the years.

When my boys were little, I was a single mom working as a waitress and depending upon my own mom for help. At the holidays, I would paint dozens of glass balls to sell to anyone I could to raise money to buy gifts for my kids. I never left the house in December without a boxful and was even known to approach strangers in parking lots to sell these.

And every season, I painted and dated one for each family member.

The ones I did for my boys were very 80s themed!

Ha, Gremlins and ET!

He loved Frosty and Rudolf. Ryan loved shows all of his life and it’s fun for me to look back through these and realize just how many were based upon his favorite movies that year.

And as he got older, his first car, the horrid, orange, “Punkin”.

I haven’t unboxed the family ornaments in years, they haven’t been my style or fit in with my current trees. And I was saddened to see so many were missing. And I wondered why I quit this tradition. But I am lucky to have these.

Even this heart breaker.

More hearts

Hearts, Ryan

By Karla Nathan / October 11, 2022

We all need someone to lean on sometime, don’t we? Ryan was my rock, and I used to lean on him a lot. These hugging, rock hearts made me think of how he used to be that for me.

I mentioned in my last post that the puppy sitting job was good for my soul. Besides the wreck and worries about the horrendous hurricane, I have been missing my boy so much lately.

I always do.

He is there in my heart at all times. Some weeks, grief is just a low key, background noise. Other times, it’s an all encompassing heartache, and others, a sweet little smile to myself over a memory or a moment I know he would have enjoyed.

Lately, his loss has been heavy. I try to pick out reasons why this happens, like waking up in the morning and piecing together what that weird dream I’d just had was about.

The stirred up grief can be from so many elements. I think they are now called triggers, but I dislike that term. It sounds harsh and scary.

After feeling extra bereft, I decided to take a walk on his favorite trail, which I had been avoiding for months. As I turned the corner around the pond, I remembered why I never go that way. There is a wet area that never dries, even in a drought, that section of the path remains slimy and slippery. Ryan always took my elbow as we crossed there. Now, I know I am getting older, but I’m not a frail little old lady and I used to tell him I didn’t need any help. He responded the same way each time- “You are my mom, and I love you.”

As I stepped across the mossy slime this day, without Ryan by my side, (and sobbing because he wasn’t) Sugar spotted a goose and lunged for it, pulling the leash and pulling me behind her as I hydroplaned through the gucky spot.

It was surprising that I didn’t fall and get yet another concussion. And as I was thinking how lucky I was I looked out at the pond and saw many floating hearts made of clumps of algae.

Maybe Ryan had still been protecting me after all. And left a sign that said he loved me.