One of our favorite holiday traditions is making gingerbread houses. This started way back, when Sugarwings was even younger than in this photo. She would have a house that was a work in progress for a month or so, adding to it as a craft project for the whole holiday season.
We never ate any of the candy, and were adamant about calling the goodies “decorations” never candy. We saved them up and used them year to year, those candy pieces that come with the packaged houses do not rot. And I even wonder if they are edible anyway?
When Dewdrop came along, she joined in too with her own house. But learning about not eating the decorations was hard for her. We were constantly hollering, “That is older than you are!”
In the last few years with the addition of new grand fairies joining the group, we have turned Ginger Bread Night into a family event and I started stocking up on clearance priced kits at the end of the year. We still call out,
“Those decorations are older than Mayara!”
Because some of those gumdrops are honestly from ten years ago. No one is seriously tempted to eat them we just enjoy saying it.
When Ryan finally switched to a job where he could be around in the evenings, I discovered that he had an obsession with holiday baking shows and the Gingerbread wars were his favorite. We watched them together and would plan our own super structures. (They still turned out like badly done kits, which is what they were, but we loved dreaming that we could accomplish artistry.)
Sugarwings and I decided to build a gingerbread village from wooden birdhouses in honor of her uncle, who loved the creations so much.
I used some metal pieces painted white and buttons on mine.
The icing is puffy paint and glitter.
While mine is still not equal to the mastery of the shows Ryan and I watched together, I think that I do much better with paint than with royal icing.
And it had been awhile since I shared studio space with this kid. She is now a teen who doesn’t appreciate being photographed while trying to concentrate, so don’t judge the grumpy face pictured here. We had a great day together and look forward to making the rest of our village.
I just wasn’t sure how I wanted to handle Christmas and vacillated between nothing or all out. When I contemplated not having any decor, I felt deflated. When I thought about facing the many giant tubs of Holiday Foof, I felt overwhelmed.
I knew that I needed brightness to cheer up the long stretch of oncoming cold and darkness. So, I thought I’d plug in a few strands of lights and add garlands over my windows, get out some prelit trees, and a few other things near the tops of the tubs.
Digging through decades of collected Christmas ornaments seemed to be asking for a crying jag. What could I come across that would break my heart? So, I decided that all I needed was some glitter and glow, not trees filled with handmade or lovingly collected vintage and family ornies.
A silver tree that I pulled from the closet already had some decorations from last year stuck in its branches. I left those and added a few glitter covered balls and other pieces that I typically considered “filler” not the main show. Nothing sentimental, just sparkly.
Usually, I go ALL OUT, like my hero, Clark Griswald does with his million, tiny, twinkle lights. I pack up every knick knack and replace it with holiday glee. This year, that was done on a minimal basis, I set up a few displays, but mostly just lights. And I was enjoying the process. As my house got more twinkly, I felt more joyful myself.
Then, I found a bag of pinecones in the back of the storage closet behind the unused tubs of memories that I tried to protect myself from. You never know when grief will strike you, and there is no amount of being careful that can avoid it.
A year ago, on one of our trail walks, I saw the perfect pinecones to make gnomes out of. We had Sugar with us, and were on a segment of our walk notorious for squirrels, so she was on full alert and ready to bolt at any time. Ryan and I had our little jokes, and one of them was that certain stretches of our walks were “danger zones” where we had to be cautious with Sugar or we’d be surprised by her leaping after her prey and jerking the leash from our hands. (I know, bad dog training on my part, not her fault).
As we’d turn a corner and come across these spots, one of us would always say, “watch out, we are going into a danger zone”. We thought it was an even funnier joke when we were walking poor, blind, old Twinkle who wouldn’t notice a squirrel if it sat on her head.
I wanted those pinecones, and we started grabbing them up as fast as we could and both stuffing them in our pockets, laughing hard, while joking that we had to hurry and get away from the danger zone. It was silly, but it was fun. That week, we gathered up a few more on other walks, laughing and filling our jacket pockets, rushing to get out of the squirrel infested area before Sugar took off.
Ryan and I had simple pleasures and repetitive conversations about little things. There wasn’t a single time we walked by that area without commenting, and Ryan offering to grab a few more pinecones. I said I had enough, we’d get more the next Christmas.
I had no idea there would not be another Christmas for my son.
Finding that bag of pinecones about wrecked me. After I recovered from sobbing over them, they made me smile. And I started tucking them into branches of a couple trees. I put Twinkle on her leash and we took a walk to that danger zone to fill a big bag with more, and brought those back to add to the holiday decor.
When I see the simplicity of a pinecone in a sparkling tree, it reminds me of Ryan and what we shared.
When we lost Ryan, friends and family were generous in their out pouring of caring. Lots of kind messages and keepsakes came our way.
So much thoughtfulness, that I decided I needed to be a better friend. I saw examples of caring that touched me deeply and taught me how much reaching out to a person in pain helps them. We were also given rose bushes and trees to plant which were meaningful, because Ryan had always been the guy who planted things for me. We have those around the area where we hung the wind chimes that came in his honor too.
Recently, long time friends had a Sunset Maple with a memorial plaque planted for our boy at the Lawrence Arboretum.
(It is the first tree on the left when you enter)
Ryan and I spent hours walking the dogs on trails, but had never been to this park yet. We typically strolled through trails and around ponds in the neighborhoods near us. We had started to explore some other walkways around town and were making a list of places we wanted to drive to. He would’ve liked the arboretum, and now that I’ve been there, it is a favorite of mine.
Was our cross country trip to pass out puppies only four nights? So many miles, so many places, so many happenings, all in just a few days? Days were long in the car, but between audio books, This American Life podcasts, and naps, it wasn’t bad. We stopped every couple of hours for the pups to stretch their legs, and they all travelled well. They peed on command and mostly slept while driving. Each day we tried to get as far as we could towards our next meet up location and the puppy owners were kind enough to be flexible along with us.
Our hotel stops weren’t planned very far in advance, but we got lucky in finding ideal places with ground floor rooms. Although, I am afraid that I didn’t take advantage of that in the middle of the night. Instead, I was so tired that I lazily sat pups on their peepads instead of leashing them for a walk at 3am. This resort in Tarrytown, NY was our favorite stop. Ruby’s family lived in Manhattan, and obliged us by driving a half hour to meet outside of the city to get her. She is a lucky pup who will live on Central Park.
The hotel was an old estate on a hill overlooking the Hudson transformed into a resort. I would’ve loved to stay longer and explore, but we had a mission. I felt a little like Santa, flying across country to bring joy.
We did get in to Tarrytown early enough for a delicious room service, Asian meal. Restaurants were out due to not only Covid, but to having a passel of pups with us.
Ruby’s family brought us fresh, NY bagels! We got up early to let the babies frolic on the expansive lawns and figured we’d eat a granola bar in the car after Ruby left. These were a magnificent surprise!
And the world’s most delicious bagel. So was the cream cheese. It was so Rich, that it was almost an ivory tone. Do they mix it with butter there?
Delicious!
Driving across country during a pandemic can be eerie. We were extra careful, but it was disconcerting to see so many people with no masks (mostly in Missouri and Indiana) unlike the area we live in. I doubled up and wore a face shield too.
We listened to the news reports of the cases soaring, and swore to be even more careful than planned. We couldn’t do typical tourist stuff, or explore much. We wanted to get back home safely and quickly.
Our first stop in Indiana at my sister’s was much too fleeting, and our first night with the pups was stressful at the hotel.
But finding this mansion estate (under $200, including pet fees) turned our trip around.
We decided then, that we were going to try local foods as we drove cross country and upgrade our hotels along the way. We spent more, but it made the trip feel like a get away, not a chore.
We had a car picnic at a really nice seafood restaurant in Mendon, MA after dropping off a Teddy. (In the two litters, we had three Teddies and one Freddy)
That lucky boy lives in a wonderful home by a lake now.
That night, we stayed in Buffalo at a Hyatt Place. Not a mansion, but a perfect hotel for puppies. There wasn’t as much for them to get into there, those rooms are streamlined. Other places had dangling cords or other temptations. I think Hyatt Place is ready for pets nationwide and most other chains just accommodate animals on an individual basis.
We’ve always been fans of this brand anyway, it’s a well run, comfortable place to stay. I wish we had chosen one on our first night on the road, but that was before we decided to not be on a tight budget and to enjoy the trip.
The puppies are supposed to be a business for me, but they are so much more than that. So, why should I try to be frugal and make a profit on the drive to get them to their homes? We figured it was much more pleasant to treat this adventure as a getaway, because there aren’t very many of those in this day and age.
After getting another Teddy (the poor boy whose previous family didn’t want him) to his Wisconsin family who met us in Chicago, we drove around to sight see and stopped at Portillo's, to get a Chicago style dinner to go.
Local foods made our trip so much more interesting than typical drive thrus would have. And the change of attitude did too. But the best part of the trip? We came home with Molasses, “Molly”. I kept thinking we should try to sell her too, and had many offers. She came with us on the drive as kind of an interview process to see if we were keeping her.
While she was a perfect pup, and quite mellow, I was still iffy.
People asked us if we were keeping her, I answered maybe, Rich always answered yes. I was still getting emails from interested buyers and just couldn’t commit.
Finally, he made me see that she was already family. And now that we are home, tearing down the puppy corrals, packing up supplies, I am so glad that she is here. It is the six month anniversary of Ryan’s death, and I don’t think I could handle losing all sixteen puppies on top of that.
This girl has sweet Angel wings on her chest, that make me think she was sent to me from Ryan to give me someone who loves hugs as much as he always did.
You know who else was glad we kept her? These two mamas were overwhelmed with joy when we got back!
Our cross country adventure with four dogs unexpectedly turned into five dogs instead.
This guy needed to be picked up in Nebraska the night before we left for NY. My husband was my hero, Rich sped off to get the Butterball on a moment’s notice after his new owners decided that his puppyness was a bit much for him.
I stayed behind to get this Sugar Baby sent off with his new family.
It looks like he is happy at his home with a forever best friend.
I’d also made an airport drop off for this baby to go to her mom who was arriving from California.
Plus, we were in the midst of a too short visit from Dewdrop and her daddy. A drive to Nebraska wasn’t in our plans the night before we headed out on a cross country jaunt.
But- No Man Left Behind! We were not leaving him where he was not wanted, so he hit the road with us.
Good thing that he came along, or he would have missed the joys of exploring a hotel room. The puppies were completely mesmerized by the toilet.
They were actually pretty good in the rooms for the most part. Their excitement of being out of the car led to some noise control problems, but overall, they were well behaved.
I am soooooooo happy I trained them to use potty pads as well as to go outside. Being mostly housebroken really helped.
Our first stop was Indiana, where the pups could stretch their legs in Sissy’s pretty, custom fence.
We left Ryder there with Jo Jo.
Her name is after my Ryan, who is JoRenda’s cousin. Ryder has already had her first photo shoot, and she is a talented model. That girl loves to show off her sitting up skills.
We missed her, but I have to admit that five dogs on a road trip is a lot.
On our first pit stop, I struggled to attach leashes on the waterfall of puppies pouring out of their crate, and thought I’d walk them all while Rich grabbed coffee.
It didn’t occur to me that five little babies together added up to over 70lbs and i was very quickly overwhelmed. They wove their leashes in and out and around my legs, then drug me down into a ditch that I couldn’t escape from. I had to holler for Rich to unwrap me and pull me up from the pit I’d been tugged into.
Did I mention there was a dead raccoon in the ditch that they desperately wanted to get to and I desperately wanted to keep them away from?
But I think he is building it as a meditation, to help his grieving. Much like me filling my arms with puppies.
Both of us are working nonstop on our projects, he drives the gator through the woods, measuring tree circumferences to find the perfect size to harvest and stack for his walls.
I tend to, clean up after, snuggle and train way too many puppies.
Each of us are fulfilled in our own ways, while exhausted and worn out at the end of the day. Yet with a sense of accomplishment.
Grieving takes many forms, and we were both lucky enough to find something that helps ease the pain that never leaves, but can be soothed.
Although, there are also moments where our busywork backfires. Ryan was always such a huge help with the past litters. I get jabbed by memories of him laughing at silly puppies. Or slammed with overwhelming loneliness when I tuck the babies in at night and he isn’t by my side.
Ryan used to help us with projects outside, but I doubt if he’d have been into the cabin idea. Still, he had a genuine curiosity and appreciation for whatever we were doing and would want to go for a walk around the yard after he got off work to see what we’d done that day.
Plus, that man was STRONG, he worked out daily.
He’d have helped heft some of those larger logs if Rich asked him for help, even if he didn’t particularly want to be a log cabin builder. I don’t know, maybe he would have liked the construction part. He loved watching HGTV building and remodeling shows.
Fall is here and for now, the weather is about as perfect as Kansas can be. I’ve been pretty busy with the 101 Doodles under our feet, and decided we needed a break to enjoy autumn.
With remote learning, Sugarwings isn’t getting much social time, so we picked up a pal and headed to the pumpkin patch. (Car windows down and masks on)
Not knowing what to expect, we were pleasantly surprised to find it opened, although modified for Covid safety. No hay rack rides or mazes, but plenty of pumpkins and slushy cider.
Getting out and doing something “normal” for the first time in months felt wonderful. We had taken the grand fairies on family camper trips, but those were very confined and careful.
It had been MONTHS since we had just done a casual, day out. We have missed going to craft days, movies, plays, zoos, restaurants, etc.
A sunny day with a slight breeze and a continuation of a 14 year tradition of visiting the pumpkin patch was exactly what we needed.
There are two pumpkin patches nearby, and we wanted to give some business to both, so headed down the road to a second one also. It was more low key, just set up like a market, no holiday attractions this year.
But they did say we could go for a walk in the fields and pick our own if we’d like. That made it feel more festive. We were the only customers, so I was glad we stopped by.
The Butterball batch of pups is transitioning to staying out in the breezeway on nice days.
Family was here for a BBQ to enjoy the pretty day and help the babies adjust to leaving their cozy indoor nest.
With so many pups to socialize, I can use all the help I can get. These babies need an abundance of cuddles to grow into extra loving pets.
And we have just the crew to get it done!
Rich and I take turns, two at a time, holding them while watching our favorite tv shows at night. Sugarwings is with us for the next week or so, and I am sure she will take on more than her share.
And this might be a step too far, but I have ordered a hands free baby sling to wear so I always have a puppy with me.
I have 16 babies who all need equal time, and not that many hours in the day without drastic measures!
The Guncles came to visit for three days, and we were so busy, and had such a good time together, (Plus packing the camper for a trip to NC) that I wasn’t taking photos.
We cooked, went boating, set up a puppy nursery, crafted, and laughed throughout.
My husband wanted his grandma’s recipe for pickles, and Randy is the keeper of her boxful of treasures. Grandma Nathan was most known for her German Pancakes, and there have been family debates on how she made them. When I found this, I photographed it and sent it out to sisters.
The next morning we tried it out. Actually, I tried making them, and am not a recipe person.
When I cook, I kind of make things up as I go along and eyeball measurements. But these needed to taste EXACTLY LIKE GRANDMA NATHAN’S.
So I got out my measuring cups, that family often tease me about because they have no markings to say what size they are.
And of course, I screwed it up by using a full cup of milk and water instead of a half, so I had to start dumping more ingredients in to make up for it.
Nope, mine were not EXACTLY LIKE GRANDMA NATHAN’S.
The Guncles did the rest of the cooking while they were here and even brought fresh seafood packed on ice all the way from Florida.
oh my
It was the best!
The visit went by way too quickly. It had been ages since Kevin had been here with us and I wish they could have stayed longer.
It was a wild ride getting them here. The night before they were born, she started nesting, and decided she did not like the whelping box. Every time we let her out of our sight, she started to dig, including through a wall.
That girl wanted to build a den.
Once we got her settled, she went right to work, and calmly had 8 pups in under 3 hours.
I sat up with her a few more hours, then went to bed. (There were lots of ups and downs all night, letting her out, feeding her, making sure pups were warm.)
The next morning, we discovered a bonus puppy who came sometime after midnight and I didn’t even notice.
5 girls, 4 boys.
The adventure reminded me of her first litter, when she actually did dig a den to give birth in. Ryan and I had to hunt for cold, wet, pups in the dark with a flashlight.
When the two dogs went into heat, I wasn’t sure if we should breed them this year. But the thought of fluffy puppies to snuggle was too hard to resist. After losing Ryan, I thought that would be just what I needed to start healing my heart.
In the past, Honey has had a false pregnancy, so I doubled down and had both dogs bred- just in case.
Now, I had two very pregnant dogs, and was ready for all that healing to start as soon as I saw the first baby.
But hearts don’t recovery that simply, do they?
And with Honey’s determination to dig her own nest, it all brought back memories of my son, by my side in the rain, hunting for little puppies. I felt his loss even more, if that is possible. Over the next couple of months, I’ll miss him by me as they are fed from a spoon (he laughed at how spoiled they were) and I’ll miss him when I watch our favorite shows with a lap full of pups, knowing he always loved holding the little ones with me in front of the TV and should’ve been there with an armload himself.
But as I tell Sugarwings when she is sad about her uncle, losing a loved one means you need to love the ones around you even more.
Death teaches us how quickly we can lose someone, and we should learn from that, and treasure our time with family.
I know how quickly these next couple of months will go by. In a flash, the puppies will leave to go be loved by others. But for now, I am drying my tears and treasuring these moments with them.
My heart will never heal. But there is always room in its pieces for love and for puppies.
