When we lost Ryan, friends and family were generous in their out pouring of caring. Lots of kind messages and keepsakes came our way.
So much thoughtfulness, that I decided I needed to be a better friend. I saw examples of caring that touched me deeply and taught me how much reaching out to a person in pain helps them. We were also given rose bushes and trees to plant which were meaningful, because Ryan had always been the guy who planted things for me. We have those around the area where we hung the wind chimes that came in his honor too.
Recently, long time friends had a Sunset Maple with a memorial plaque planted for our boy at the Lawrence Arboretum.
(It is the first tree on the left when you enter)
Ryan and I spent hours walking the dogs on trails, but had never been to this park yet. We typically strolled through trails and around ponds in the neighborhoods near us. We had started to explore some other walkways around town and were making a list of places we wanted to drive to. He would’ve liked the arboretum, and now that I’ve been there, it is a favorite of mine.
Was our cross country trip to pass out puppies only four nights? So many miles, so many places, so many happenings, all in just a few days? Days were long in the car, but between audio books, This American Life podcasts, and naps, it wasn’t bad. We stopped every couple of hours for the pups to stretch their legs, and they all travelled well. They peed on command and mostly slept while driving. Each day we tried to get as far as we could towards our next meet up location and the puppy owners were kind enough to be flexible along with us.
Our hotel stops weren’t planned very far in advance, but we got lucky in finding ideal places with ground floor rooms. Although, I am afraid that I didn’t take advantage of that in the middle of the night. Instead, I was so tired that I lazily sat pups on their peepads instead of leashing them for a walk at 3am. This resort in Tarrytown, NY was our favorite stop. Ruby’s family lived in Manhattan, and obliged us by driving a half hour to meet outside of the city to get her. She is a lucky pup who will live on Central Park.
The hotel was an old estate on a hill overlooking the Hudson transformed into a resort. I would’ve loved to stay longer and explore, but we had a mission. I felt a little like Santa, flying across country to bring joy.
We did get in to Tarrytown early enough for a delicious room service, Asian meal. Restaurants were out due to not only Covid, but to having a passel of pups with us.
Ruby’s family brought us fresh, NY bagels! We got up early to let the babies frolic on the expansive lawns and figured we’d eat a granola bar in the car after Ruby left. These were a magnificent surprise!
And the world’s most delicious bagel. So was the cream cheese. It was so Rich, that it was almost an ivory tone. Do they mix it with butter there?
Delicious!
Driving across country during a pandemic can be eerie. We were extra careful, but it was disconcerting to see so many people with no masks (mostly in Missouri and Indiana) unlike the area we live in. I doubled up and wore a face shield too.
We listened to the news reports of the cases soaring, and swore to be even more careful than planned. We couldn’t do typical tourist stuff, or explore much. We wanted to get back home safely and quickly.
Our first stop in Indiana at my sister’s was much too fleeting, and our first night with the pups was stressful at the hotel.
But finding this mansion estate (under $200, including pet fees) turned our trip around.
We decided then, that we were going to try local foods as we drove cross country and upgrade our hotels along the way. We spent more, but it made the trip feel like a get away, not a chore.
We had a car picnic at a really nice seafood restaurant in Mendon, MA after dropping off a Teddy. (In the two litters, we had three Teddies and one Freddy)
That lucky boy lives in a wonderful home by a lake now.
That night, we stayed in Buffalo at a Hyatt Place. Not a mansion, but a perfect hotel for puppies. There wasn’t as much for them to get into there, those rooms are streamlined. Other places had dangling cords or other temptations. I think Hyatt Place is ready for pets nationwide and most other chains just accommodate animals on an individual basis.
We’ve always been fans of this brand anyway, it’s a well run, comfortable place to stay. I wish we had chosen one on our first night on the road, but that was before we decided to not be on a tight budget and to enjoy the trip.
The puppies are supposed to be a business for me, but they are so much more than that. So, why should I try to be frugal and make a profit on the drive to get them to their homes? We figured it was much more pleasant to treat this adventure as a getaway, because there aren’t very many of those in this day and age.
After getting another Teddy (the poor boy whose previous family didn’t want him) to his Wisconsin family who met us in Chicago, we drove around to sight see and stopped at Portillo's, to get a Chicago style dinner to go.
Local foods made our trip so much more interesting than typical drive thrus would have. And the change of attitude did too. But the best part of the trip? We came home with Molasses, “Molly”. I kept thinking we should try to sell her too, and had many offers. She came with us on the drive as kind of an interview process to see if we were keeping her.
While she was a perfect pup, and quite mellow, I was still iffy.
People asked us if we were keeping her, I answered maybe, Rich always answered yes. I was still getting emails from interested buyers and just couldn’t commit.
Finally, he made me see that she was already family. And now that we are home, tearing down the puppy corrals, packing up supplies, I am so glad that she is here. It is the six month anniversary of Ryan’s death, and I don’t think I could handle losing all sixteen puppies on top of that.
This girl has sweet Angel wings on her chest, that make me think she was sent to me from Ryan to give me someone who loves hugs as much as he always did.
You know who else was glad we kept her? These two mamas were overwhelmed with joy when we got back!
Our cross country adventure with four dogs unexpectedly turned into five dogs instead.
This guy needed to be picked up in Nebraska the night before we left for NY. My husband was my hero, Rich sped off to get the Butterball on a moment’s notice after his new owners decided that his puppyness was a bit much for him.
I stayed behind to get this Sugar Baby sent off with his new family.
It looks like he is happy at his home with a forever best friend.
I’d also made an airport drop off for this baby to go to her mom who was arriving from California.
Plus, we were in the midst of a too short visit from Dewdrop and her daddy. A drive to Nebraska wasn’t in our plans the night before we headed out on a cross country jaunt.
But- No Man Left Behind! We were not leaving him where he was not wanted, so he hit the road with us.
Good thing that he came along, or he would have missed the joys of exploring a hotel room. The puppies were completely mesmerized by the toilet.
They were actually pretty good in the rooms for the most part. Their excitement of being out of the car led to some noise control problems, but overall, they were well behaved.
I am soooooooo happy I trained them to use potty pads as well as to go outside. Being mostly housebroken really helped.
Our first stop was Indiana, where the pups could stretch their legs in Sissy’s pretty, custom fence.
We left Ryder there with Jo Jo.
Her name is after my Ryan, who is JoRenda’s cousin. Ryder has already had her first photo shoot, and she is a talented model. That girl loves to show off her sitting up skills.
We missed her, but I have to admit that five dogs on a road trip is a lot.
On our first pit stop, I struggled to attach leashes on the waterfall of puppies pouring out of their crate, and thought I’d walk them all while Rich grabbed coffee.
It didn’t occur to me that five little babies together added up to over 70lbs and i was very quickly overwhelmed. They wove their leashes in and out and around my legs, then drug me down into a ditch that I couldn’t escape from. I had to holler for Rich to unwrap me and pull me up from the pit I’d been tugged into.
Did I mention there was a dead raccoon in the ditch that they desperately wanted to get to and I desperately wanted to keep them away from?
But I think he is building it as a meditation, to help his grieving. Much like me filling my arms with puppies.
Both of us are working nonstop on our projects, he drives the gator through the woods, measuring tree circumferences to find the perfect size to harvest and stack for his walls.
I tend to, clean up after, snuggle and train way too many puppies.
Each of us are fulfilled in our own ways, while exhausted and worn out at the end of the day. Yet with a sense of accomplishment.
Grieving takes many forms, and we were both lucky enough to find something that helps ease the pain that never leaves, but can be soothed.
Although, there are also moments where our busywork backfires. Ryan was always such a huge help with the past litters. I get jabbed by memories of him laughing at silly puppies. Or slammed with overwhelming loneliness when I tuck the babies in at night and he isn’t by my side.
Ryan used to help us with projects outside, but I doubt if he’d have been into the cabin idea. Still, he had a genuine curiosity and appreciation for whatever we were doing and would want to go for a walk around the yard after he got off work to see what we’d done that day.
Plus, that man was STRONG, he worked out daily.
He’d have helped heft some of those larger logs if Rich asked him for help, even if he didn’t particularly want to be a log cabin builder. I don’t know, maybe he would have liked the construction part. He loved watching HGTV building and remodeling shows.
Fall is here and for now, the weather is about as perfect as Kansas can be. I’ve been pretty busy with the 101 Doodles under our feet, and decided we needed a break to enjoy autumn.
With remote learning, Sugarwings isn’t getting much social time, so we picked up a pal and headed to the pumpkin patch. (Car windows down and masks on)
Not knowing what to expect, we were pleasantly surprised to find it opened, although modified for Covid safety. No hay rack rides or mazes, but plenty of pumpkins and slushy cider.
Getting out and doing something “normal” for the first time in months felt wonderful. We had taken the grand fairies on family camper trips, but those were very confined and careful.
It had been MONTHS since we had just done a casual, day out. We have missed going to craft days, movies, plays, zoos, restaurants, etc.
A sunny day with a slight breeze and a continuation of a 14 year tradition of visiting the pumpkin patch was exactly what we needed.
There are two pumpkin patches nearby, and we wanted to give some business to both, so headed down the road to a second one also. It was more low key, just set up like a market, no holiday attractions this year.
But they did say we could go for a walk in the fields and pick our own if we’d like. That made it feel more festive. We were the only customers, so I was glad we stopped by.
The Butterball batch of pups is transitioning to staying out in the breezeway on nice days.
Family was here for a BBQ to enjoy the pretty day and help the babies adjust to leaving their cozy indoor nest.
With so many pups to socialize, I can use all the help I can get. These babies need an abundance of cuddles to grow into extra loving pets.
And we have just the crew to get it done!
Rich and I take turns, two at a time, holding them while watching our favorite tv shows at night. Sugarwings is with us for the next week or so, and I am sure she will take on more than her share.
And this might be a step too far, but I have ordered a hands free baby sling to wear so I always have a puppy with me.
I have 16 babies who all need equal time, and not that many hours in the day without drastic measures!
The Guncles came to visit for three days, and we were so busy, and had such a good time together, (Plus packing the camper for a trip to NC) that I wasn’t taking photos.
We cooked, went boating, set up a puppy nursery, crafted, and laughed throughout.
My husband wanted his grandma’s recipe for pickles, and Randy is the keeper of her boxful of treasures. Grandma Nathan was most known for her German Pancakes, and there have been family debates on how she made them. When I found this, I photographed it and sent it out to sisters.
The next morning we tried it out. Actually, I tried making them, and am not a recipe person.
When I cook, I kind of make things up as I go along and eyeball measurements. But these needed to taste EXACTLY LIKE GRANDMA NATHAN’S.
So I got out my measuring cups, that family often tease me about because they have no markings to say what size they are.
And of course, I screwed it up by using a full cup of milk and water instead of a half, so I had to start dumping more ingredients in to make up for it.
Nope, mine were not EXACTLY LIKE GRANDMA NATHAN’S.
The Guncles did the rest of the cooking while they were here and even brought fresh seafood packed on ice all the way from Florida.
oh my
It was the best!
The visit went by way too quickly. It had been ages since Kevin had been here with us and I wish they could have stayed longer.
It was a wild ride getting them here. The night before they were born, she started nesting, and decided she did not like the whelping box. Every time we let her out of our sight, she started to dig, including through a wall.
That girl wanted to build a den.
Once we got her settled, she went right to work, and calmly had 8 pups in under 3 hours.
I sat up with her a few more hours, then went to bed. (There were lots of ups and downs all night, letting her out, feeding her, making sure pups were warm.)
The next morning, we discovered a bonus puppy who came sometime after midnight and I didn’t even notice.
5 girls, 4 boys.
The adventure reminded me of her first litter, when she actually did dig a den to give birth in. Ryan and I had to hunt for cold, wet, pups in the dark with a flashlight.
When the two dogs went into heat, I wasn’t sure if we should breed them this year. But the thought of fluffy puppies to snuggle was too hard to resist. After losing Ryan, I thought that would be just what I needed to start healing my heart.
In the past, Honey has had a false pregnancy, so I doubled down and had both dogs bred- just in case.
Now, I had two very pregnant dogs, and was ready for all that healing to start as soon as I saw the first baby.
But hearts don’t recovery that simply, do they?
And with Honey’s determination to dig her own nest, it all brought back memories of my son, by my side in the rain, hunting for little puppies. I felt his loss even more, if that is possible. Over the next couple of months, I’ll miss him by me as they are fed from a spoon (he laughed at how spoiled they were) and I’ll miss him when I watch our favorite shows with a lap full of pups, knowing he always loved holding the little ones with me in front of the TV and should’ve been there with an armload himself.
But as I tell Sugarwings when she is sad about her uncle, losing a loved one means you need to love the ones around you even more.
Death teaches us how quickly we can lose someone, and we should learn from that, and treasure our time with family.
I know how quickly these next couple of months will go by. In a flash, the puppies will leave to go be loved by others. But for now, I am drying my tears and treasuring these moments with them.
My heart will never heal. But there is always room in its pieces for love and for puppies.
We made a quick trip to Asheville to take Sugarwings to be with her dad and sissy before school started.
Both girls are doing virtual school, which can be done from any place with WiFi. Which means more possible trips during the school year.
It seemed smart to let them get settled into the new classes before doing that, though. We wanted to have a visit, and be home before school began.
It was good for them to be together, and play outside. They made three foot high bubbles with a giant wand and modeled for each other with a rainbow light. There was hiking, waterfalls, and a walk through a bamboo forest.
Honestly, between losing Ryan, and trying to cope with the pandemic, we have been failing as grandparents. Sugarwings has had a lonely summer when staying with us, besides a few boat outings, and trips, we are dull on a daily basis.
I usually make efforts to take the grand fairies out during summer break. A typical (non 2020) week would have included daily crafts, one outing to a zoo or discovery zone type place, one afternoon at a movie, and one project. Plus screen viewing breaks for biking, walks in the woods, or some other outdoor activity.
But in this summer?
There has been a scarcity of guidelines about screen time.
In the past, they were expected to craft while watching the iPad or tv. And to watch a TedEd or nature show on breaks from their regular shows.
This summer?
ha!
Half hearted rules were attempted, but as each week went by, this poor kid was going deeper and deeper into TicTok videos and YouTube, without any interference from me.
Time outdoors, without iPads was just what she needed.
And sister time, was even more necessary.
My husband and I were missing our far away family. Loading up the camper to go see them again meant a lot.
Our son has a new home on an acreage that holds an organic farm.
While it is hard for me to have Adam and Dewdrop so far away, I was comforted by seeing how he lives.
He loves his green building job. And lives in a beautiful place.
I miss them terribly, but knowing he is happy makes me happy for him.
Pulling our camper makes it easier to visit, and thanks to Ryan, we can do that. We purchased the new trailer with Ryan’s insurance check and I consider it his last gift to me. We can travel away from home, but always feel like we have Ry Guy near us.
He loved giving me gifts and was always so excited about them that he had a hard time waiting til it was time to pass them out. He preferred giving them to me before the rest of the family came for holidays, because he was such a private person.
The wind chimes he bought for Mother’s Day will always be treasured because they meant so much to him. He and I used to walk around the yard, trying them out in different spots until we found the exact place that got the most breeze for the prettiest sound.
I can just imagine his pride in knowing that he had gifted us with such a nice camper. I hear his voice and feel his love every time we use it.
I’d like to craft a sign to hang in it, in honor of him. For now, there is a photo of him hidden inside the refrigerator door panel. When we purchased the trailer, the fridge doors weren’t complete yet. I taped his picture to the liner of the door and had the technician leave it there when he added the permanent doors.
We also want to bring some wind chimes on our trips, along with some of Ryan’s ashes to sprinkle by the camper each time. He will always be with us when we are on the road.
Asheville, NC is home to some kick ass waterfalls, and while visiting, we trekked down to the base of one and spent some time playing in the water.
That place was over crowded, as I feared many Labor Day vacation spots might be, so I was extra cautious and had the family mask up, even outdoors, when strangers got too near. And did my best to constantly scoot away from people encroaching upon my space as I gathered shiny, quartz rocks to make a fairy to leave by the falls.
Since others simply didn’t seem to understand social distance guidelines, I left the pools at the bottom of the falls and found a cozy, mossy bed away from traffic for this sprite to make her home.
She is in a shady area, so you don’t see how the crystal sparkles in the photo. But she is entirely made of glittery bits and pieces. And look at the itty-bitty, fingertip sized crystal heart that I found for her to hold!
It was the first part I found when I stepped into the clear water, and I created the fairy around that heart.
You can tell how beautiful the water is here. And the rocks shining through were either frosted with mica or crystal. Each was a sparkling treasure.
I didn’t keep any from there, since it was a park. But, I was so tempted. Instead, I left my fairy as a thank you for nature’s blessings to me.
She sits at the end of the trail, right by the first boulders of the pools, so I hope some kids find her there.
Being with my boy, and his daughters in such a magical place was good for my husband and I. Some days are harder than others without Ryan, but no days are easy.
Being in a tranquil spot with loved ones was much needed.
