family – Page 16 – Karla's Cottage

Kindnesses sparked redos

Corona virus, cottage, family, flowers, friends, Ryan

By Karla Nathan / August 16, 2020

While my friends and I have gotten to be pretty good at meeting up for walks, socially distant porch parties, and other safe activities where we can visit in ventilated places somewhat apart from each other, we haven’t figured out how to do a Mosaic Day together.

We used to gather most Thursdays in Shan’s basement studio, catch up on each other’s happenings, and glue glass bits from the vast bins of colors Shanna had for us to dig through, onto all sorts of items.

Over a year ago, I started this pot, and since I couldn’t make it there every week, or sometimes brought a pressing work project from home instead, it took a long time to progress. But just as I was getting excited about completion, Covid hit and all production halted.

Then recently, my sweet and talented friend offered finish the pot for me and I was thrilled! My design was done, the background and grout were all that was left, and she was going to help with the grout anyway.
Plus, this way, I could call the pot a collaboration with a master stain glass artist!

(See the stunning piece hanging behind her? Also, please notice the beautiful doodle, one of Sugar’s babies, Shan’s home is full of pretty creations.)

How generous of her to do this for me.

When Ryan died, we received a planter jam packed with greenery. It has been a couple of months now, and while I’m slightly sure I could’ve kept them alive as is, I was relieved to have something larger to transplant them into.

While I was at it, I repotted some other plants and spread the arrangement into some extra pots too.

Then, while picking up supplies at Hobby Lobby, I saw these blue coffee pots on clearance and got one to go along with the refreshing of the kitchen I’d started with the new plantings.

Cheerful, right?

And cheery is very much appreciated right now. Missing Ryan is a constant with me, and I know always will be. I write notes to him, talk to him on my walks, sit in the gazebo and listen to his wind chimes. I think of all the boring little details in my life that he would have listened to me telling him about. And how he honestly would be interested in hearing them.

For the first few weeks, it seemed like we had so much going on, kids to entertain and feed, places to go, chores to do, projects to work on. Dinners to cook, shopping to do. I complained to myself that I just wanted to be left alone.

That I wanted to crawl into bed and not get out.

That I wanted to be alone to be sad and not do anything at all.

Looking back, I wonder if I was doing it right all along, by just keeping going. Not just keeping busy, but being active and part of the world around me. Which isn’t easy to do in the Age of Corona. And it isn’t easy to do when I am sad. But for me, it probably was the best thing I could do.

Heart break will always be with me. But it also makes me realize that the good that surrounds me might not always be with with me. I work to treasure my blessings, appreciate what I have, and to keep my home as much of a pretty, and peaceful sanctuary as I can. To reach out to friends and family that I love.

To not curl up in the darkness.

Looking back and finding joy

celebrations, Corona virus, family, Ryan

By Karla Nathan / July 22, 2020

The last few days, I have looked back through my entire blog. I have never re-read it before, except in bits and pieces. (And it did take DAYS). I had hoped to find photos of Ry that I didn’t have saved in my computer, and I got lucky and found quite a few.

Often, they were like this one, big family shots with Ryan as part of the background.

Or this, where he is helping with a chore around the yard. Ryan was often part of the background, or working.

But then, jackpot! Here he is showing the pure jolt of joy and happiness that he never held back on when he was excited.

Looking back through 13 years of blogging, I saw so many blessings in my life.

Some things long forgotten, others a deep part of me. Tough times have come and gone, but through this journal that I have faithfully kept, I can see how lucky I have been over the years. (I also saw some some really cool things that I am kicking myself for selling.)

We are all going through an unprecedented rough time right now with the virus raging on and taking away so much from us.

Maybe we all need a look back at the past to remember our blessings to hold onto them in our hearts, to get through what we are dealing with in the present.

My heart is forever damaged with my boy gone, but having happy times past and future to keep in my thoughts does help.

I had began with recent posts and scrolled backwards, diligently staring through all the photos, occasionally reading something that would make me grin. When I’d find a picture of my son, sometimes there were tears, but more often, smiles.

Coming across the photo of Ryan showing pure joy near the very beginning of my writings, after a few days of flipping through pages of millinery, smiling babies, painted roses, beaches, sisters, adventures with friends, circus, travels with Rich, and other Good Stuff, was like finding the golden ticket in a chocolate bar.

Yes, I have been lucky in my life. I had not only all of those wonderful experiences, I had this moment with Ryan. When he was so happy, he leapt into the air like a kid.

Those are the moments we need to hold onto. With those, will get through this.

In the land of heart shaped rocks

celebrations, Corona virus, family, Ryan, sea shell fairies

By Karla Nathan / July 12, 2020

We have been doing some traveling. Yes, I know that in the Time of Corona, that is an iffy thing. But we have a new RV that allows us to avoid all public restrooms and restaurants, we roll with our own kitchen and bathroom. All we need to do is pump gas, then park and picnic inside the bubble of our little home on wheels.

This trip was to Wyoming, where the virus hasn’t become a big threat. We gathered at the spacious lake house we’d gone to before on our big family reunion. This time, the attendance was much smaller, due to the concerns of the plague hanging over us all.

Honestly, I was not a fan of the idea. Shouldn’t we all just stay home, doing our part to stop the spread?

But, my husband and I are dealing with our boy’s death in different ways. I couldn’t even speak to anyone at all for along time, he wants his people around him, and was especially missing his family. Whom I also love, and love to spend time with. It meant a lot to him, he needed his people.

I felt more than a little guilty about indulging ourselves with a vacation/family reunion but knew that this one was about as safe as one could be.

Buying the new camper made me feel pretty secure. And we questioned everyone we were going to be seeing on their practices. Our family members had all been careful, working at home, shopping at early morning senior hours, staying in, etc.

A couple of weeks ago, we took the RV to North Carolina for the grand fairies to see their daddy, and while NC is far from as virus free as the remote lands of Wyoming, that had gone well and had also been very careful there.

So, I took some of Ryan’s ashes from the urn Ed Noonen had gifted us with and carefully packed some in the “to go vase” he had also made. Actually, the small vase was a separate gift, not exactly meant to be a traveling ash container, but it seemed ideal for that purpose. I have mentioned that Ry wasn’t fond of getting out and seeing the world. But when we last vacationed in Casper, he rode along and had a great time.

We had pulled a camper then too. Not because the lake house was too crowded, it sleeps DOZENS, but to provide a private place for him to retreat to if needed. We practically forced him to come and used the fact that it was his grandma’s 85th birthday to guilt him into it.

And we were so glad we did. He joined in, laughed with everyone, took long walks in the hills with me, helped in the kitchen, and even placed pretty high in the ping pong tournament. It was such a pleasure to remember him there with us, that we wanted to spread some of his remains in a spot that had been special to us.

This might sound odd, and might also mean that I am totally losing it, but carefully tending to the ashes, and wrapping them up to take along reminded me of taking care of him as a baby. Geez, why did I even tell you that? I do sound crazy. And grief will do that to you. Maybe I felt like I was doing something for him like I used to when he was just little?

Sugarwings and Dewdrop went hiking with their cousins and all of the girls brought back heart shaped rocks for me.

I do not remember seeing any at all when we were there three years ago. But on this visit? They were abundant.

The largest rock is next to his urn now. The teeniest is wrapped up in a note to him, inside the urn.

When I came across the smaller, almost perfect heart, I knew it would be an ideal bodice along with the larger hearts as wings and skirt, to form an angel for my boy.

There is twisty, weathered wood all around too. I picked up pieces to make a frame around his angel. Then took the ashes out to it, and let Sugarwings sprinkle them over it all.

While I hadn’t thought I needed this trip, like my husband did, I found out that I certainly had. Staying in a unique spot that was full of happy memories and being able to create this angel for Ryan with stones found by the girls was good for me.

As was spending time with two of the dearest sister-in-laws anyone could have. Both of them offered their own big hearts to me when I sobbed.

My husband says the time was healing for him.

I can’t say that for myself. Right now, I don’t see any possibility of ever healing.

But I can say that when people who care about me were there to listen to me talk about our loss, and to show their love, I knew that I had not lost everything. It is good to feel their love, when I needed it so badly.

I know that with this virus ramping up and raging through our world, not everyone has the luxury of buying an RV to go be near family. Although our son is dead, I still feel blessed for what we do have. And my heart goes out to those who suffer through the loss of the ones they love completely alone due to the isolation we are all going through.

Notes to my son

family, Ryan

By Karla Nathan / June 28, 2020

We had sprinkled ashes around the farm on trees given as memorials, by the wind chimes Ryan had hung, and by flowers he had planted. We want to take some to Wyoming and Florida also. Ry was not a traveler and we couldn’t get him to go with us on trips, except for two to those spots.

He came along on our big family vacation to Siesta Key, and to the giant family trip to Casper in honor of Grandma Joan’s 80th birthday. Both times, he tried to back out, but we were insistent.

We did our best to make him comfortable, in Florida we rented a large enough condo for him to have his own suite so he could have solitude when needed.

(He never knew that we almost Home Aloned him, my husband and I both drove away to pick up other family members to take to the airport, each thinking the other had Ryan!)

For the lake house birthday party, where relatives from all over the country gathered to share a large home that slept about 40, we knew that would overwhelm his sensory disorder. To help, we hauled a camper with us so he could have his own house away from the commotion when he needed quiet.

Both times, he surprised himself by having a blast. He loved family time and joined in on games and excursions, even one to Disney. We were so glad that we had practically forced him to come along, and I will treasure that time with him forever.
Some of his ashes will be sprinkled in each place.

He was always my power washing buddy too, so next time I get that machine out, I want to shoot some ash across the drive way with the spray.

I know, slightly odd, but he would have thought it was cool.

His ashes hadn’t been delivered yet when I had the washer out recently, so I wrote his name with it for now.

More of the remains will be made into blown glass. But most have been placed in this hand made urn.

A sweet friend from my book club invited me to the ceramic studio behind her home to pick out an urn crafted by her husband, Ed McCormick. He does beautiful work and I was overwhelmed by his generosity.

They had sat out creamy and soft colored, elegant vases that would have matched my home perfectly.

But when I saw this one, I burst into tears, knowing that the floral-ish looking skulls around it were ideal for my boy. He always liked to doodle skulls, some with top hats, some with roses. I came across a few when I cleaned out his apartment.

The urn now sits next to a shadow box frame with Ryan’s portrait and his favorite matchbox car from childhood in it.

I had planned on putting the angel I had made from Sugarwings’ “fairy building kit to go” in his room, but I like it here instead. It is by a hydrangea dried from an arrangement sent to us.

When I think of something that I need to tell him, I write it down and put it in the urn. Along with the notes, I added a silver skull ring that he liked to wear.

Ryan and I had what people might think were the most boring of conversations. He and I told each other about the little things that happened during our days, interesting or not.

So some of my notes might just be about cleaning out the fridge.

But I know that he liked hearing about what I had been doing, no matter what it was.

It is rare to have someone in your life who never thinks you are monotonous when you ramble on about dull things. Someone who actually wants to hear them.

Other times, I write to him about how much I miss him, memories I had of him growing up, or something funny one of the dogs did.

The notes usually have a blurry spot or two where the ink was splashed with a tear. But somehow, it does feel good to write my thoughts down and place in his jar.

Thank you Ed and Mellisa.

Big memories, but a small memorial

celebrations, Corona virus, family, Ryan

By Karla Nathan / June 21, 2020

We had an ancient oak on our property, just over the creek. My husband would snuggle under it with his little grand fairies and tell them family stories. He wanted to share memories of people who had passed and places they had come from.

They always called it the “Grandfather Tree”.

When it was lost to a storm, we had it turned into a dining table, big enough to seat our whole family without pulling in extra tables for more space. When we were together, we were a total of 11, and I’d joked it was a Nathans’ Dozen, kinda like a bakers’ Dozen wasn’t exactly twelve either.

When Ryan died, his Indiana cousins sent a tiny oak for us to plant. I don’t know if they knew about the Grandfather Tree, or if it was just luck that the gift they sent was also an oak. But when Sugarwings saw the type of tree, she suggested we call it “The Uncle Tree”. She used a wood burning tool to write that on a sign her daddy made from some cedar planks we had.

We planted the little tree, and most of the remaining Nathan Dozen sprinkled some ashes on it, while saying something about Ry Guy. I had confetti to throw too. He would have thought that was funny.

He was always laughing with me.

As I was gathering up the wrappings the oak had come in, I almost threw away a small, silver plaque that said “The Cousin Tree” that had been sent along with it. We added that to Sugarwings’ sign.

The oak is near our gazebo, filled with the wind chimes we received and the ones Ryan had hung there.

On the other side of the gazebo is a weeping redbud that was sent by the Guncles, and a vintage rose bush sent by a friend.

Rich and I like to turn on a sprinkler that waters them in an arc around us, while the hens play in the spray and the breeze makes the chimes sing to us. On the hottest days, this is a cool, shady place to sit with a glass of wine in the evening, holding Dorothy (Ryan’s favorite dog) on my lap.

Ry and I had a habit of watching a tv show together every night after dinner, and this has taken the place of tv watching for that hour. It is comforting.

Sometimes, I sit there and embroider.

The roses Ryan had planted for me were in full bloom the day we planted the Uncle Tree, so we placed some ashes around the rose bush too, and on the iris bulbs he had planted. Although the rest of the iris around the farm were done, there was one last flower in the patch.

Because of the Corona Virus, there was no funeral.

There was no hustle bustle of running to the airport to gather up family members and hugs from far away.

Ryan was a quiet guy who didn’t care for crowds. With his sensory disorder, crowded places were physically hard for him to be in. But he was also a loving soul who enjoyed his one on one conversations when he was in a group.

I feel bad that he did not get a big goodbye, but he is one of many who could not have the funeral they should’ve. We have lost over 100,000 people, plus the ones like my boy, who died, not from the virus itself, but from what I feel is Covid related circumstances.

Maybe our small gathering due to social distancing was just what Ryan would have preferred. And while I missed being able to have a funeral, I felt as if I had gotten hugs from afar with all of the cards, letters, flowers, and gifts that caring people had sent.

I treasured each and every kind message, comment, and thought. I am rereading notes, drying flowers, and saving empty vases to mosaic on. We are tending bushes and trees sent in his memory and listening to the melody of the wind in the chimes. Each and every compassionate item that came to us helped, and was appreciated.

Thank you all for caring.

And Ryan, thank you for being my friend, walking buddy, caretaker, horror movie watching companion, helper, and my little boy.

I will always miss my baby.

The comforting sound of wind chimes

family, Ryan

By Karla Nathan / June 14, 2020

Ryan was helpful around the yard. At first, I thought he was just trying to make things easier for me.

It would start with him keeping me company as I worked on something, and before I knew it, he had taken the shovel away to do the job himself.

Over the years, it progressed to him asking if I had a job for him on his day off.

I think he had come to enjoy gardening. Or maybe he just knew that I loved it and he loved me, so wanted to help.

He built this entire sidewalk for me, one shovel full of gravel at a time. As the rocks settled over time, twice, he took the truck to the garden center, to buy more stone, and surprised me by touching up the balding spots.

The deep, dark pink rose bush is one that he bought for Mother’s Day two years ago. He surprised me after planting it.

Lately, with my husband retired and Ryan working long hours at the nursing home, we got a lot of jobs done daily while he was at work.

Ry was always interested in seeing what we’d done, and would walk around the yard, complimenting the progress. He told me that he liked to stand on his deck and look out over the yard and enjoy How pretty it looked.

I mentioned that the only thing we needed to complete the redo was some wind chimes or a fountain.

On Mother’s Day, he brought me these beauties, and he moved them from one end of the yard to the other, looking for the best spot to catch the most breeze.

The day he died, Rich and I spent much of our day in the gazebo, listening to the chimes. The weather was ideal, there was a slight breeze making the soothing sounds pretty much continuous.

Since then, caring loved ones have sent us some more sets to hang in the gazebo.

We added some to a nearby branch, also.

Each has its own, soft set of notes that are slightly lighter than the deep tones from Ryan’s gift. The dogs run through the gazebo, wagging tails that make the chimes sing when there isn’t a breeze to to the job.

We spend time out there together, holding hands, drinking coffee in the morning or wine in the evening, listening, and thinking about our boy.

An angel for Ryan

Corona virus, family, sea shell fairies

By Karla Nathan / June 10, 2020

Sugarwings went caving and kayaking with her dad last weekend. While there, she gathered rocks and shells for me, calling it a “fairy kit to go”.

In the box of pretty rocks, was just what I needed to make an angel for Ryan. Typically, I leave my fairies and angels on beaches, but this one is for Ryan’s room, so I glued her to one of the favorite paintings that he had in there.

A few days before he died, we took one of our long walks together and as I glanced down, I spied a four leaf clover. He and I were both so excited, you’d have thought I’d found a fifty dollar bill, not a leaf. I was using a cane, and had a Twinkle on a leash, so Ryan carefully held that clover throughout the rest of our walk and I pressed it when I got home.

I am still going on my Ryan walks. Usually with Twinkle, sometimes with my husband, always with tears. One walk was with my son, Adam, and I told him about the shamrock. That night, he brought me two that he found for Ryan and I.

Ryan’s digital portrait and a thank you

Corona virus, family, paintings

By Karla Nathan / June 5, 2020

I did a digital sketch on my iPad while missing my boy.

It is preliminary, in planning a larger, acrylic paininting that I can frame.

Every heartfelt message that was left on my posts about Ryan is appreciated, thank you. I have read them numerous times and am slowly, a few at a time, trying to acknowledge each one on FB, IG and my blog. Over the years, I have been lucky to get to know so many online friends, some I have met in person, others just through typed words. Social media has been a great way to meet friends and now it is a comfort to hear from them as well as from family, past co-workers, and long time friends who are all far away. So many have reached out to me with kindness, and I appreciate the sincere caring that went into the comments. Some make me cry, some make me smile, others touch me with a shared grief. All are meaningful to me. Thank you.

You don’t have to catch Covid 19 to have it impact your health

Corona virus, family

By Karla Nathan / May 31, 2020

Our family took all the precautions we could to maintain our household and keep from being infected. But were we so busy worrying about catching the virus that we overlooked other health risks it could cause?

Anxiety, fear, and worry can eat away at even the healthiest amoung us. But if a person is prone to panic attacks or depression, the pressures of not knowing how this pandemic would leave us in its aftermath (or even if we could look forward to an “after” at all) can be harder to withstand.

Millions have to worry about the loss of a job, or not being able to feed a family. For essential workers, there was the fear of having to be out in the midst of people who could possibly infect you. For my son, Ryan, there was added danger of bringing the virus into the nursing home he cooked at. He knew that if he had a slip up while pumping gas or buying groceries he could end up killing someone’s grandmother by unknowingly bringing the Corona virus into work with him.

Ryan came into the pandemic with a history of both heart problems and depression. He had worked hard to keep himself both physically fit and calm. He had found a contentment in his life, with his gym workouts and family time. I would even say he had been happy in his routines.

One of the first closures in the early days of the pandemic was the gym Ry had faithfully gone to for years. He tried to make up for the loss with his small, home gym along with walking for miles in all kinds of weather. Adding his lightened workout schedule to our family’s amped up dinner time filled with daily doses of comfort food, the common “Covid 15” weight gain crept up on him.

Anxiety can also cause excess snacking, or maybe an extra cigarette or two throughout the day. Neither of which were good for a former cardiac patient.

Not to be dismissed is the importance of human touch. Not only for our souls, but for our health. Social distancing means isolation for those who live alone. Ryan lived in an apartment on the side of our house, and was in our home, so he didn’t have to face total isolation. But as a nursing home employee, he was super conscious about not being the cause of illness for us or in the care center. He was a guy who couldn’t leave a room without an “I love you” and a hug. During our time of sheltering in place, we had to suffice with elbow bumps instead.

Many times, my son said to me, “It is killing me not to hug you guys goodnight.”

With Kansas reopening businesses and people trying to get back to normal routines, we had recently welcomed more family members into our “quarentainer”, while following strict guidelines for sanitizing our visitors and their belongings. The night before he passed away, we decided that we could suspend the No Hugs rule. With a house now filled with grand fairies, hugs had become abundant again, and I hugged Ryan goodnight for the first time in months. The last time I saw my boy alive I got a bear hug along with a kiss on the top of the head.

The coroner tells us that he thinks Ryan had a sudden heart attack. That sounds apt considering the stress he was under. That we are all under right now. Ryan did not die of Covid 19, but I feel like it was why he died when he did. He was past due for a physical, and was waiting until visiting a doctor’s office wasn’t a risky thing to do.

We may be opening up businesses and relaxing some rules but this is not over.

The fears are not gone.

The stress is still here.

Maybe you, or someone you know is suffering also. Please check in with texts, emails, or calls to someone who can help you. Or to whom you can offer help. These are scary times that we are living in and any comfort offered is appreciated and needed.

Don’t avoid medical check ups or put off self care. If you can’t do things like going to the gym, or getting a massage, taking a child to the park, seeing a movie, having a cocktail with friends to relax, or whatever takes you to your happy place- please find another outlet for your angst. We all need to look for joy wherever we can find it to keep from being overwhelmed and overtaken by the gloom hanging over us.

The one thing that survivors of this pandemic still have is each other, even six feet apart. Let’s be there for each other in any way we can. I know that I am not alone in my grief, now that the number of recognized deaths has hit a staggering 100,000. Plus, think of the uncounted, untested who passed away. And the ones who couldn’t take the despair and gave in to suicide or had a drug overdose. The ones who avoided seeing a doctor because they were terrified of going to a hospital. The nursing home patients who wasted away in loneliness, wondering if they would ever see their loved ones again.

Lockdowns in hospitals and nursing homes meant that the majority of these deaths were solitary. Following the guidelines for social distancing, the funerals for them are not happening. Our inability to have a service for our son has become the norm.

Thank you, to all who reached out to me with kind words of support. Each and every text, note, comment, and call felt like a spot of warmth in my despair. Not being able to see family and friends for a memorial makes these gestures even more treasured. I can feel the caring and appreciate the efforts made to share it.

When hugs and physical togetherness aren’t allowed, kind and caring words can go a long way. And I don’t know anyone who couldn’t use more of them right now.

I am far from being the only one suffering a loss. We are facing various types of losses too, not just death or illness. But the stress of losing your way of life can cause an actual illness.

If I had been watching out for Ryan’s inner turmoil, would I still have my baby boy?

An inconceivable loss

Corona virus, family

By Karla Nathan / May 27, 2020

Ryan Joseph Nathan was born on January 27, 1978 and grew up in Lawrence, KS, attending Lawrence High. He passed away from natural causes on May 23rd. He leaves behind his parents, Rich and Karla Nathan, his brother, Adam, two nieces, Leandra and Mayara. His extended family included Avahni, Makiah, and Katie Tree Pierson, Caitlin Hornbeck, and Thia Sleszynski.

No services will be held due to the current social distancing standards.

Ryan spent most of his working years as a cook, for a long time at Conroy’s Pub and most recently at Brandonwoods. He took his responsibilities for the welfare of the senior diners there very seriously in these days of Covid 19, and to keep them as well as his parents safe, he had given up his favorite thing in life, the loving hugs that everyone knew him for.

He was a kind, gentle man with a strong work ethic. He was such a hard worker that his family would refer to him as “The Machine” as he tackled jobs with a determination and tenacity. The same strength showed in his love of weight training and dedication to working out. There was rarely a day that his Fitbit showed less than 20,000 steps.

Ryan overcame a childhood of bullying for his learning disabilities, and many people never got a chance to know him because of the walls he put up from those experiences. Behind his quiet facade, was a witty sense of humor, and more thoughtfulness than you could expect to find in one person.

He preferred a low key lifestyle and had few requirements for happiness. Long walks with his mother and the dogs who adored him. Watching The Walking Dead series, a baking contest show, or a goofy comedy movie with his folks. Sitting on the patio and chatting about his day while his dad grilled steaks. Feeding all of the stray cats in the neighborhood. Playing a board game with his nieces. Hanging out with his brother, one on one. Lifting weights while listening to his extensive list of downloaded music. Googling things he was curious about. Making old friends laugh with his wit. He enjoyed washing and caring for his cars, the favorites over the years were an old Mustang, a Jaguar, and his latest, a Jeep. He was a lifelong fan of wrestling, and liked to watch past matches from years ago.

Ryan never wanted to leave a room without a hug and an “I love you”