family – Page 16 – Karla's Cottage

Guncle Time

By Karla Nathan / September 22, 2020

The Guncles came to visit for three days, and we were so busy, and had such a good time together, (Plus packing the camper for a trip to NC) that I wasn’t taking photos.

We cooked, went boating, set up a puppy nursery, crafted, and laughed throughout.

My husband wanted his grandma’s recipe for pickles, and Randy is the keeper of her boxful of treasures. Grandma Nathan was most known for her German Pancakes, and there have been family debates on how she made them. When I found this, I photographed it and sent it out to sisters.

The next morning we tried it out. Actually, I tried making them, and am not a recipe person.

When I cook, I kind of make things up as I go along and eyeball measurements. But these needed to taste EXACTLY LIKE GRANDMA NATHAN’S.

So I got out my measuring cups, that family often tease me about because they have no markings to say what size they are.

And of course, I screwed it up by using a full cup of milk and water instead of a half, so I had to start dumping more ingredients in to make up for it.

Nope, mine were not EXACTLY LIKE GRANDMA NATHAN’S.

The Guncles did the rest of the cooking while they were here and even brought fresh seafood packed on ice all the way from Florida.

oh my

It was the best!

The visit went by way too quickly. It had been ages since Kevin had been here with us and I wish they could have stayed longer.

I love those guys.

Little Red Doodles to Hold

dogs, family, Goldendoodle Puppies, Ryan

By Karla Nathan / September 19, 2020

Honey has babies!

It was a wild ride getting them here. The night before they were born, she started nesting, and decided she did not like the whelping box. Every time we let her out of our sight, she started to dig, including through a wall.

That girl wanted to build a den.

Once we got her settled, she went right to work, and calmly had 8 pups in under 3 hours.

I sat up with her a few more hours, then went to bed.
(There were lots of ups and downs all night, letting her out, feeding her, making sure pups were warm.)

The next morning, we discovered a bonus puppy who came sometime after midnight and I didn’t even notice.

5 girls, 4 boys.

The adventure reminded me of her first litter, when she actually did dig a den to give birth in. Ryan and I had to hunt for cold, wet, pups in the dark with a flashlight.

You can see the story HERE.

When the two dogs went into heat, I wasn’t sure if we should breed them this year. But the thought of fluffy puppies to snuggle was too hard to resist. After losing Ryan, I thought that would be just what I needed to start healing my heart.

In the past, Honey has had a false pregnancy, so I doubled down and had both dogs bred- just in case.

Now, I had two very pregnant dogs, and was ready for all that healing to start as soon as I saw the first baby.

But hearts don’t recovery that simply, do they?

And with Honey’s determination to dig her own nest, it all brought back memories of my son, by my side in the rain, hunting for little puppies. I felt his loss even more, if that is possible.

Over the next couple of months, I’ll miss him by me as they are fed from a spoon (he laughed at how spoiled they were) and I’ll miss him when I watch our favorite shows with a lap full of pups, knowing he always loved holding the little ones with me in front of the TV and should’ve been there with an armload himself.

But as I tell Sugarwings when she is sad about her uncle, losing a loved one means you need to love the ones around you even more.

Death teaches us how quickly we can lose someone, and we should learn from that, and treasure our time with family.

I know how quickly these next couple of months will go by. In a flash, the puppies will leave to go be loved by others. But for now, I am drying my tears and treasuring these moments with them.

My heart will never heal.
But there is always room in its pieces for love and for puppies.

Thanks to Ryan- Camping on the River and Playing with Rainbows with a Overdue Break from iPads

Corona virus, Dew Drop, family, Ryan, Sugarwings, Travel

By Karla Nathan / September 11, 2020

We made a quick trip to Asheville to take Sugarwings to be with her dad and sissy before school started.

Both girls are doing virtual school, which can be done from any place with WiFi. Which means more possible trips during the school year.

It seemed smart to let them get settled into the new classes before doing that, though. We wanted to have a visit, and be home before school began.

It was good for them to be together, and play outside. They made three foot high bubbles with a giant wand and modeled for each other with a rainbow light. There was hiking, waterfalls, and a walk through a bamboo forest.

Honestly, between losing Ryan, and trying to cope with the pandemic, we have been failing as grandparents. Sugarwings has had a lonely summer when staying with us, besides a few boat outings, and trips, we are dull on a daily basis.

I usually make efforts to take the grand fairies out during summer break.

A typical (non 2020) week would have included daily crafts, one outing to a zoo or discovery zone type place, one afternoon at a movie, and one project. Plus screen viewing breaks for biking, walks in the woods, or some other outdoor activity.

But in this summer?

There has been a scarcity of guidelines about screen time.

In the past, they were expected to craft while watching the iPad or tv. And to watch a TedEd or nature show on breaks from their regular shows.

This summer?

ha!

Half hearted rules were attempted, but as each week went by, this poor kid was going deeper and deeper into TicTok videos and YouTube, without any interference from me.

Time outdoors, without iPads was just what she needed.

And sister time, was even more necessary.

My husband and I were missing our far away family. Loading up the camper to go see them again meant a lot.

Our son has a new home on an acreage that holds an organic farm.

While it is hard for me to have Adam and Dewdrop so far away, I was comforted by seeing how he lives.

He loves his green building job. And lives in a beautiful place.

I miss them terribly, but knowing he is happy makes me happy for him.

Pulling our camper makes it easier to visit, and thanks to Ryan, we can do that.

We purchased the new trailer with Ryan’s insurance check and I consider it his last gift to me. We can travel away from home, but always feel like we have Ry Guy near us.

He loved giving me gifts and was always so excited about them that he had a hard time waiting til it was time to pass them out. He preferred giving them to me before the rest of the family came for holidays, because he was such a private person.

The wind chimes he bought for Mother’s Day will always be treasured because they meant so much to him. He and I used to walk around the yard, trying them out in different spots until we found the exact place that got the most breeze for the prettiest sound.

I can just imagine his pride in knowing that he had gifted us with such a nice camper. I hear his voice and feel his love every time we use it.

I’d like to craft a sign to hang in it, in honor of him. For now, there is a photo of him hidden inside the refrigerator door panel. When we purchased the trailer, the fridge doors weren’t complete yet. I taped his picture to the liner of the door and had the technician leave it there when he added the permanent doors.

We also want to bring some wind chimes on our trips, along with some of Ryan’s ashes to sprinkle by the camper each time. He will always be with us when we are on the road.

A Getaway to the Asheville Mountains and Waterfalls

Corona virus, fairies, family, Ryan, sea shell fairies, Travel

By Karla Nathan / September 8, 2020

Asheville, NC is home to some kick ass waterfalls, and while visiting, we trekked down to the base of one and spent some time playing in the water.

That place was over crowded, as I feared many Labor Day vacation spots might be, so I was extra cautious and had the family mask up, even outdoors, when strangers got too near. And did my best to constantly scoot away from people encroaching upon my space as I gathered shiny, quartz rocks to make a fairy to leave by the falls.

Since others simply didn’t seem to understand social distance guidelines, I left the pools at the bottom of the falls and found a cozy, mossy bed away from traffic for this sprite to make her home.

She is in a shady area, so you don’t see how the crystal sparkles in the photo. But she is entirely made of glittery bits and pieces. And look at the itty-bitty, fingertip sized crystal heart that I found for her to hold!

It was the first part I found when I stepped into the clear water, and I created the fairy around that heart.

You can tell how beautiful the water is here. And the rocks shining through were either frosted with mica or crystal. Each was a sparkling treasure.

I didn’t keep any from there, since it was a park. But, I was so tempted. Instead, I left my fairy as a thank you for nature’s blessings to me.

She sits at the end of the trail, right by the first boulders of the pools, so I hope some kids find her there.

Being with my boy, and his daughters in such a magical place was good for my husband and I. Some days are harder than others without Ryan, but no days are easy.

Being in a tranquil spot with loved ones was much needed.

Summer has floated by

Corona virus, family, Ryan

By Karla Nathan / August 31, 2020

Ha! Sugarwings found the perfect spot for shade on the boat, hiding under the tube with her big sis. “Turbo” is a good nickname for her, that arrow pointing her way is pretty accurate.

Funny, last year the lake, and much of KS was flooded. We didn’t take the pontoon out a single time. That felt like a big issue and worry then.

But then 2020 came along, right?

I’d much prefer 2019’s deep puddles to what this year has wrought.

But as I’ve said.
We go on.

I find my happy moments.

Cherish what I have.

Appreciate that I’m lucky to have so much.

We have spent some nice afternoons and evenings on the lake, with loved ones and friends.

The water has been serene and just what my soul needed. Laughs with friends, snuggles with kids, lots of tasty picnics.

In years past, Ryan rarely came out to the lake with us. So, it isn’t a place where I expect to see him, like I do around the house or on walks.

The boat has been a pleasant respite from the sadness. And it’s been fun to be with grand fairies.

Our summer began on the boat, getting together for the first time in months with people we missed on Memorial Day weekend. After corona virus isolation, the experience was so rich and wonderful, I soaked in as much joy and sunshine as my soul could sop up.

Then my world crashed the next day, when we found Ryan’s body. One of the happiest days of my life was followed by the worst.

Labor Day is coming up this week, and summer is coming to a close. We will still have some lazy autumn afternoons to float along and enjoy the changing leaves.

Everything changes, seasons pass.

The virus is changing our world, but the best part we can do is hang on to what pleasures we can find, right? I am grateful for peace, wherever I can find it.

I am still redoing rooms, and moving things about

collections, Corona virus, cottage, family, Kitchen remodel

By Karla Nathan / August 23, 2020

A couple years back, I decided I needed a big hutch type piece to use in the kitchen for extra storage. I found a large base cabinet, and a tall book shelf with glass doors that worked.

But wasn't just quite right.

THIS piece is very much right!!!

And very old and well made. Look at the construction of the drawer!

This is what I had before (it is now in the studio, which means a big shuffle up out there and a cabinet from the studio being moved to the breezeway, and well, more shuffling).

See, it holds a lot, but wasn't just quite right. I did like the way I could see all the of the dishes behind glass, but all of this and more fit into the newer, larger hutch.

I might miss the display area behind glass when it is time to dust. The new one has much, much less of that.

But it holds soooooo much, much more inside the doors and drawers below that I am very happy with it.

My Apple Watch has been broken for months. And I have been too cheap to replace it. But when I saw this, I didn't have second thoughts about being cheap, I'd looked for so many years for a hutch that had this much storage space.

Plus, I have been on an organizing, cleaning, and storage redo blowout lately.

When this came into the house, I decided to take every single thing out of all of the other kitchen cabinets and rearrange every bit of it.

Maybe it is my way of dealing with grief.

Maybe it is from being cooped up in the house for so many months.

Either way, my many redos have been helpful. I've fixed up Ryan's room, the gazebo area, both little grand fairies' rooms, the breezeway, part of the studio, now this. I'm running out of house to redo.

Even though I knew this hutch was ideal when I first saw it, and was ready to buy it in snap with no thought, I did have a horrid moment when I realized how heavy it was, and how many other big pieces of furniture would have to be moved to make space for it.

And remembering that Ryan, my "Machine", was gone. He was so strong, and so helpful, that was his nickname. He just kept going, working hard and making it look easy.

He was always around to carry and move things for me.

I was knocked over with pain as these thoughts went through my mind.

There are going to be a lot of those moments. A lot of that pain.

But we go on, don't we?

My very strong, older grand fairies came over to help. We used pads to slide the piece through the house. Between the two girls and my husband, they hefted it out of the truck and lifted the large top piece onto the base once they got it into the kitchen. It is even heavier than it looks, and we all missed Ryan while it was being moved.

A Heroic Rescue

cottage, family, kitties, Ryan

By Karla Nathan / August 20, 2020

Since we got big dogs, our outdoor cats have made themselves scarce to me. Ryan took care of them from his porch, where they had a safe place to enjoy a peaceful meal, with no dogs around.

I knew he cared for them, but had no idea how much time he’d spent with them until he was gone and they started to brave the dangerous hounds to come out to get our attention. We often see them talking to us from the top of the shed, or climbing up to the patio for a visit. If the dogs aren’t out, Joy Joy will follow me around the yard.

They miss him too.

The other day, Pumpkin was crying loudly and sounding desperate. Rich guessed that the dogs chased her under the shed. My husband was equally desperate to get her out, and I figured that if she’d crawled under it, she’d find her way out if given time. But he insisted, “he wasn’t going to let anything happen to Ryan’s cat.” And went to get a shovel, a hydraulic jack, and some cement blocks.

I was fearing that jacking it up one way, would smash her on the other side. But the area she was we thought she was crying from was butted up to the garage and he couldn’t lift it from that side.

And the shed was sitting on the edge of the hill down to the creek. When he started jacking it up, it even slipped a little that direction and I could just picture it rolling down the slope, bouncing off trees and throwing its contents every which way.

Rich placated me by raising the building a little at a time on each side, and sliding rocks under it as he went, until he got all 3 sides high enough to brace with the cement blocks.

It scared me the whole time, but I am a big chicken about stuff like that. I imagined smashed fingers, knocked over buildings, and worse. Plus, I was not 100% sure the sound was coming from underneath.

He assured me, he saw Pumpkin’s white face under the front corner.
After getting the building high enough, we still heard her crying. But it did sound different.

Yep, there she was, up a tree.
Did she climb out the back while he was raising the front? Or had she been in another part of the tree the whole time?

Under the front corner where Rich thought he saw her, we found this- a mama and seven babies. She had a white face too.

Maybe Pumpkin ran from the dogs, discovered the opossum, and froze under the building, hiding from both?

Well, the cat was now safe, no matter where she’d been or how she got there.

But we couldn’t (and when I say ‘we’, I mean Rich doing all the work while I fretted and worried over his shoulder) lower the shed and not be sure we wouldn’t smash babies.

The shed had to stay on blocks over night, hoping that the little family would find a better place to nest.

Of course, I fretted that the dogs would try to get to the babies and somehow knock the building off it’s blocks, so we kept them inside just in case.

Everyone relocated as we had hoped by the next morning and I let Rich put everything back without my shrieks of “be careful!” “Watch out” “that does NOT look safe” and more.

Kindnesses sparked redos

Corona virus, cottage, family, flowers, friends, Ryan

By Karla Nathan / August 16, 2020

While my friends and I have gotten to be pretty good at meeting up for walks, socially distant porch parties, and other safe activities where we can visit in ventilated places somewhat apart from each other, we haven’t figured out how to do a Mosaic Day together.

We used to gather most Thursdays in Shan’s basement studio, catch up on each other’s happenings, and glue glass bits from the vast bins of colors Shanna had for us to dig through, onto all sorts of items.

Over a year ago, I started this pot, and since I couldn’t make it there every week, or sometimes brought a pressing work project from home instead, it took a long time to progress. But just as I was getting excited about completion, Covid hit and all production halted.

Then recently, my sweet and talented friend offered finish the pot for me and I was thrilled! My design was done, the background and grout were all that was left, and she was going to help with the grout anyway.
Plus, this way, I could call the pot a collaboration with a master stain glass artist!

(See the stunning piece hanging behind her? Also, please notice the beautiful doodle, one of Sugar’s babies, Shan’s home is full of pretty creations.)

How generous of her to do this for me.

When Ryan died, we received a planter jam packed with greenery. It has been a couple of months now, and while I’m slightly sure I could’ve kept them alive as is, I was relieved to have something larger to transplant them into.

While I was at it, I repotted some other plants and spread the arrangement into some extra pots too.

Then, while picking up supplies at Hobby Lobby, I saw these blue coffee pots on clearance and got one to go along with the refreshing of the kitchen I’d started with the new plantings.

Cheerful, right?

And cheery is very much appreciated right now. Missing Ryan is a constant with me, and I know always will be. I write notes to him, talk to him on my walks, sit in the gazebo and listen to his wind chimes. I think of all the boring little details in my life that he would have listened to me telling him about. And how he honestly would be interested in hearing them.

For the first few weeks, it seemed like we had so much going on, kids to entertain and feed, places to go, chores to do, projects to work on. Dinners to cook, shopping to do. I complained to myself that I just wanted to be left alone.

That I wanted to crawl into bed and not get out.

That I wanted to be alone to be sad and not do anything at all.

Looking back, I wonder if I was doing it right all along, by just keeping going. Not just keeping busy, but being active and part of the world around me. Which isn’t easy to do in the Age of Corona. And it isn’t easy to do when I am sad. But for me, it probably was the best thing I could do.

Heart break will always be with me. But it also makes me realize that the good that surrounds me might not always be with with me. I work to treasure my blessings, appreciate what I have, and to keep my home as much of a pretty, and peaceful sanctuary as I can. To reach out to friends and family that I love.

To not curl up in the darkness.

Looking back and finding joy

celebrations, Corona virus, family, Ryan

By Karla Nathan / July 22, 2020

The last few days, I have looked back through my entire blog. I have never re-read it before, except in bits and pieces. (And it did take DAYS). I had hoped to find photos of Ry that I didn’t have saved in my computer, and I got lucky and found quite a few.

Often, they were like this one, big family shots with Ryan as part of the background.

Or this, where he is helping with a chore around the yard. Ryan was often part of the background, or working.

But then, jackpot! Here he is showing the pure jolt of joy and happiness that he never held back on when he was excited.

Looking back through 13 years of blogging, I saw so many blessings in my life.

Some things long forgotten, others a deep part of me. Tough times have come and gone, but through this journal that I have faithfully kept, I can see how lucky I have been over the years. (I also saw some some really cool things that I am kicking myself for selling.)

We are all going through an unprecedented rough time right now with the virus raging on and taking away so much from us.

Maybe we all need a look back at the past to remember our blessings to hold onto them in our hearts, to get through what we are dealing with in the present.

My heart is forever damaged with my boy gone, but having happy times past and future to keep in my thoughts does help.

I had began with recent posts and scrolled backwards, diligently staring through all the photos, occasionally reading something that would make me grin. When I’d find a picture of my son, sometimes there were tears, but more often, smiles.

Coming across the photo of Ryan showing pure joy near the very beginning of my writings, after a few days of flipping through pages of millinery, smiling babies, painted roses, beaches, sisters, adventures with friends, circus, travels with Rich, and other Good Stuff, was like finding the golden ticket in a chocolate bar.

Yes, I have been lucky in my life. I had not only all of those wonderful experiences, I had this moment with Ryan. When he was so happy, he leapt into the air like a kid.

Those are the moments we need to hold onto. With those, will get through this.

In the land of heart shaped rocks

celebrations, Corona virus, family, Ryan, sea shell fairies

By Karla Nathan / July 12, 2020

We have been doing some traveling. Yes, I know that in the Time of Corona, that is an iffy thing. But we have a new RV that allows us to avoid all public restrooms and restaurants, we roll with our own kitchen and bathroom. All we need to do is pump gas, then park and picnic inside the bubble of our little home on wheels.

This trip was to Wyoming, where the virus hasn’t become a big threat. We gathered at the spacious lake house we’d gone to before on our big family reunion. This time, the attendance was much smaller, due to the concerns of the plague hanging over us all.

Honestly, I was not a fan of the idea. Shouldn’t we all just stay home, doing our part to stop the spread?

But, my husband and I are dealing with our boy’s death in different ways. I couldn’t even speak to anyone at all for along time, he wants his people around him, and was especially missing his family. Whom I also love, and love to spend time with. It meant a lot to him, he needed his people.

I felt more than a little guilty about indulging ourselves with a vacation/family reunion but knew that this one was about as safe as one could be.

Buying the new camper made me feel pretty secure. And we questioned everyone we were going to be seeing on their practices. Our family members had all been careful, working at home, shopping at early morning senior hours, staying in, etc.

A couple of weeks ago, we took the RV to North Carolina for the grand fairies to see their daddy, and while NC is far from as virus free as the remote lands of Wyoming, that had gone well and had also been very careful there.

So, I took some of Ryan’s ashes from the urn Ed Noonen had gifted us with and carefully packed some in the “to go vase” he had also made. Actually, the small vase was a separate gift, not exactly meant to be a traveling ash container, but it seemed ideal for that purpose. I have mentioned that Ry wasn’t fond of getting out and seeing the world. But when we last vacationed in Casper, he rode along and had a great time.

We had pulled a camper then too. Not because the lake house was too crowded, it sleeps DOZENS, but to provide a private place for him to retreat to if needed. We practically forced him to come and used the fact that it was his grandma’s 85th birthday to guilt him into it.

And we were so glad we did. He joined in, laughed with everyone, took long walks in the hills with me, helped in the kitchen, and even placed pretty high in the ping pong tournament. It was such a pleasure to remember him there with us, that we wanted to spread some of his remains in a spot that had been special to us.

This might sound odd, and might also mean that I am totally losing it, but carefully tending to the ashes, and wrapping them up to take along reminded me of taking care of him as a baby. Geez, why did I even tell you that? I do sound crazy. And grief will do that to you. Maybe I felt like I was doing something for him like I used to when he was just little?

Sugarwings and Dewdrop went hiking with their cousins and all of the girls brought back heart shaped rocks for me.

I do not remember seeing any at all when we were there three years ago. But on this visit? They were abundant.

The largest rock is next to his urn now. The teeniest is wrapped up in a note to him, inside the urn.

When I came across the smaller, almost perfect heart, I knew it would be an ideal bodice along with the larger hearts as wings and skirt, to form an angel for my boy.

There is twisty, weathered wood all around too. I picked up pieces to make a frame around his angel. Then took the ashes out to it, and let Sugarwings sprinkle them over it all.

While I hadn’t thought I needed this trip, like my husband did, I found out that I certainly had. Staying in a unique spot that was full of happy memories and being able to create this angel for Ryan with stones found by the girls was good for me.

As was spending time with two of the dearest sister-in-laws anyone could have. Both of them offered their own big hearts to me when I sobbed.

My husband says the time was healing for him.

I can’t say that for myself. Right now, I don’t see any possibility of ever healing.

But I can say that when people who care about me were there to listen to me talk about our loss, and to show their love, I knew that I had not lost everything. It is good to feel their love, when I needed it so badly.

I know that with this virus ramping up and raging through our world, not everyone has the luxury of buying an RV to go be near family. Although our son is dead, I still feel blessed for what we do have. And my heart goes out to those who suffer through the loss of the ones they love completely alone due to the isolation we are all going through.