Our family took all the precautions we could to maintain our household and keep from being infected. But were we so busy worrying about catching the virus that we overlooked other health risks it could cause?
Anxiety, fear, and worry can eat away at even the healthiest amoung us. But if a person is prone to panic attacks or depression, the pressures of not knowing how this pandemic would leave us in its aftermath (or even if we could look forward to an “after” at all) can be harder to withstand.
Millions have to worry about the loss of a job, or not being able to feed a family. For essential workers, there was the fear of having to be out in the midst of people who could possibly infect you. For my son, Ryan, there was added danger of bringing the virus into the nursing home he cooked at. He knew that if he had a slip up while pumping gas or buying groceries he could end up killing someone’s grandmother by unknowingly bringing the Corona virus into work with him.
Ryan came into the pandemic with a history of both heart problems and depression. He had worked hard to keep himself both physically fit and calm. He had found a contentment in his life, with his gym workouts and family time. I would even say he had been happy in his routines.
One of the first closures in the early days of the pandemic was the gym Ry had faithfully gone to for years. He tried to make up for the loss with his small, home gym along with walking for miles in all kinds of weather. Adding his lightened workout schedule to our family’s amped up dinner time filled with daily doses of comfort food, the common “Covid 15” weight gain crept up on him.
Anxiety can also cause excess snacking, or maybe an extra cigarette or two throughout the day. Neither of which were good for a former cardiac patient.
Not to be dismissed is the importance of human touch. Not only for our souls, but for our health. Social distancing means isolation for those who live alone. Ryan lived in an apartment on the side of our house, and was in our home, so he didn’t have to face total isolation. But as a nursing home employee, he was super conscious about not being the cause of illness for us or in the care center. He was a guy who couldn’t leave a room without an “I love you” and a hug. During our time of sheltering in place, we had to suffice with elbow bumps instead.
Many times, my son said to me, “It is killing me not to hug you guys goodnight.”
With Kansas reopening businesses and people trying to get back to normal routines, we had recently welcomed more family members into our “quarentainer”, while following strict guidelines for sanitizing our visitors and their belongings. The night before he passed away, we decided that we could suspend the No Hugs rule. With a house now filled with grand fairies, hugs had become abundant again, and I hugged Ryan goodnight for the first time in months. The last time I saw my boy alive I got a bear hug along with a kiss on the top of the head.
The coroner tells us that he thinks Ryan had a sudden heart attack. That sounds apt considering the stress he was under. That we are all under right now. Ryan did not die of Covid 19, but I feel like it was why he died when he did. He was past due for a physical, and was waiting until visiting a doctor’s office wasn’t a risky thing to do.
We may be opening up businesses and relaxing some rules but this is not over.
The fears are not gone.
The stress is still here.
Maybe you, or someone you know is suffering also. Please check in with texts, emails, or calls to someone who can help you. Or to whom you can offer help. These are scary times that we are living in and any comfort offered is appreciated and needed.
Don’t avoid medical check ups or put off self care. If you can’t do things like going to the gym, or getting a massage, taking a child to the park, seeing a movie, having a cocktail with friends to relax, or whatever takes you to your happy place- please find another outlet for your angst. We all need to look for joy wherever we can find it to keep from being overwhelmed and overtaken by the gloom hanging over us.
The one thing that survivors of this pandemic still have is each other, even six feet apart. Let’s be there for each other in any way we can. I know that I am not alone in my grief, now that the number of recognized deaths has hit a staggering 100,000. Plus, think of the uncounted, untested who passed away. And the ones who couldn’t take the despair and gave in to suicide or had a drug overdose. The ones who avoided seeing a doctor because they were terrified of going to a hospital. The nursing home patients who wasted away in loneliness, wondering if they would ever see their loved ones again.
Lockdowns in hospitals and nursing homes meant that the majority of these deaths were solitary. Following the guidelines for social distancing, the funerals for them are not happening. Our inability to have a service for our son has become the norm.
Thank you, to all who reached out to me with kind words of support. Each and every text, note, comment, and call felt like a spot of warmth in my despair. Not being able to see family and friends for a memorial makes these gestures even more treasured. I can feel the caring and appreciate the efforts made to share it.
When hugs and physical togetherness aren’t allowed, kind and caring words can go a long way. And I don’t know anyone who couldn’t use more of them right now.
I am far from being the only one suffering a loss. We are facing various types of losses too, not just death or illness. But the stress of losing your way of life can cause an actual illness.
If I had been watching out for Ryan’s inner turmoil, would I still have my baby boy?
