family – Page 17 – Karla's Cottage

Notes to my son

By Karla Nathan / June 28, 2020

We had sprinkled ashes around the farm on trees given as memorials, by the wind chimes Ryan had hung, and by flowers he had planted. We want to take some to Wyoming and Florida also. Ry was not a traveler and we couldn’t get him to go with us on trips, except for two to those spots.

He came along on our big family vacation to Siesta Key, and to the giant family trip to Casper in honor of Grandma Joan’s 80th birthday. Both times, he tried to back out, but we were insistent.

We did our best to make him comfortable, in Florida we rented a large enough condo for him to have his own suite so he could have solitude when needed.

(He never knew that we almost Home Aloned him, my husband and I both drove away to pick up other family members to take to the airport, each thinking the other had Ryan!)

For the lake house birthday party, where relatives from all over the country gathered to share a large home that slept about 40, we knew that would overwhelm his sensory disorder. To help, we hauled a camper with us so he could have his own house away from the commotion when he needed quiet.

Both times, he surprised himself by having a blast. He loved family time and joined in on games and excursions, even one to Disney. We were so glad that we had practically forced him to come along, and I will treasure that time with him forever.
Some of his ashes will be sprinkled in each place.

He was always my power washing buddy too, so next time I get that machine out, I want to shoot some ash across the drive way with the spray.

I know, slightly odd, but he would have thought it was cool.

His ashes hadn’t been delivered yet when I had the washer out recently, so I wrote his name with it for now.

More of the remains will be made into blown glass. But most have been placed in this hand made urn.

A sweet friend from my book club invited me to the ceramic studio behind her home to pick out an urn crafted by her husband, Ed McCormick. He does beautiful work and I was overwhelmed by his generosity.

They had sat out creamy and soft colored, elegant vases that would have matched my home perfectly.

But when I saw this one, I burst into tears, knowing that the floral-ish looking skulls around it were ideal for my boy. He always liked to doodle skulls, some with top hats, some with roses. I came across a few when I cleaned out his apartment.

The urn now sits next to a shadow box frame with Ryan’s portrait and his favorite matchbox car from childhood in it.

I had planned on putting the angel I had made from Sugarwings’ “fairy building kit to go” in his room, but I like it here instead. It is by a hydrangea dried from an arrangement sent to us.

When I think of something that I need to tell him, I write it down and put it in the urn. Along with the notes, I added a silver skull ring that he liked to wear.

Ryan and I had what people might think were the most boring of conversations. He and I told each other about the little things that happened during our days, interesting or not.

So some of my notes might just be about cleaning out the fridge.

But I know that he liked hearing about what I had been doing, no matter what it was.

It is rare to have someone in your life who never thinks you are monotonous when you ramble on about dull things. Someone who actually wants to hear them.

Other times, I write to him about how much I miss him, memories I had of him growing up, or something funny one of the dogs did.

The notes usually have a blurry spot or two where the ink was splashed with a tear. But somehow, it does feel good to write my thoughts down and place in his jar.

Thank you Ed and Mellisa.

Big memories, but a small memorial

celebrations, Corona virus, family, Ryan

By Karla Nathan / June 21, 2020

We had an ancient oak on our property, just over the creek. My husband would snuggle under it with his little grand fairies and tell them family stories. He wanted to share memories of people who had passed and places they had come from.

They always called it the “Grandfather Tree”.

When it was lost to a storm, we had it turned into a dining table, big enough to seat our whole family without pulling in extra tables for more space. When we were together, we were a total of 11, and I’d joked it was a Nathans’ Dozen, kinda like a bakers’ Dozen wasn’t exactly twelve either.

When Ryan died, his Indiana cousins sent a tiny oak for us to plant. I don’t know if they knew about the Grandfather Tree, or if it was just luck that the gift they sent was also an oak. But when Sugarwings saw the type of tree, she suggested we call it “The Uncle Tree”. She used a wood burning tool to write that on a sign her daddy made from some cedar planks we had.

We planted the little tree, and most of the remaining Nathan Dozen sprinkled some ashes on it, while saying something about Ry Guy. I had confetti to throw too. He would have thought that was funny.

He was always laughing with me.

As I was gathering up the wrappings the oak had come in, I almost threw away a small, silver plaque that said “The Cousin Tree” that had been sent along with it. We added that to Sugarwings’ sign.

The oak is near our gazebo, filled with the wind chimes we received and the ones Ryan had hung there.

On the other side of the gazebo is a weeping redbud that was sent by the Guncles, and a vintage rose bush sent by a friend.

Rich and I like to turn on a sprinkler that waters them in an arc around us, while the hens play in the spray and the breeze makes the chimes sing to us. On the hottest days, this is a cool, shady place to sit with a glass of wine in the evening, holding Dorothy (Ryan’s favorite dog) on my lap.

Ry and I had a habit of watching a tv show together every night after dinner, and this has taken the place of tv watching for that hour. It is comforting.

Sometimes, I sit there and embroider.

The roses Ryan had planted for me were in full bloom the day we planted the Uncle Tree, so we placed some ashes around the rose bush too, and on the iris bulbs he had planted. Although the rest of the iris around the farm were done, there was one last flower in the patch.

Because of the Corona Virus, there was no funeral.

There was no hustle bustle of running to the airport to gather up family members and hugs from far away.

Ryan was a quiet guy who didn’t care for crowds. With his sensory disorder, crowded places were physically hard for him to be in. But he was also a loving soul who enjoyed his one on one conversations when he was in a group.

I feel bad that he did not get a big goodbye, but he is one of many who could not have the funeral they should’ve. We have lost over 100,000 people, plus the ones like my boy, who died, not from the virus itself, but from what I feel is Covid related circumstances.

Maybe our small gathering due to social distancing was just what Ryan would have preferred. And while I missed being able to have a funeral, I felt as if I had gotten hugs from afar with all of the cards, letters, flowers, and gifts that caring people had sent.

I treasured each and every kind message, comment, and thought. I am rereading notes, drying flowers, and saving empty vases to mosaic on. We are tending bushes and trees sent in his memory and listening to the melody of the wind in the chimes. Each and every compassionate item that came to us helped, and was appreciated.

Thank you all for caring.

And Ryan, thank you for being my friend, walking buddy, caretaker, horror movie watching companion, helper, and my little boy.

I will always miss my baby.

The comforting sound of wind chimes

family, Ryan

By Karla Nathan / June 14, 2020

Ryan was helpful around the yard. At first, I thought he was just trying to make things easier for me.

It would start with him keeping me company as I worked on something, and before I knew it, he had taken the shovel away to do the job himself.

Over the years, it progressed to him asking if I had a job for him on his day off.

I think he had come to enjoy gardening. Or maybe he just knew that I loved it and he loved me, so wanted to help.

He built this entire sidewalk for me, one shovel full of gravel at a time. As the rocks settled over time, twice, he took the truck to the garden center, to buy more stone, and surprised me by touching up the balding spots.

The deep, dark pink rose bush is one that he bought for Mother’s Day two years ago. He surprised me after planting it.

Lately, with my husband retired and Ryan working long hours at the nursing home, we got a lot of jobs done daily while he was at work.

Ry was always interested in seeing what we’d done, and would walk around the yard, complimenting the progress. He told me that he liked to stand on his deck and look out over the yard and enjoy How pretty it looked.

I mentioned that the only thing we needed to complete the redo was some wind chimes or a fountain.

On Mother’s Day, he brought me these beauties, and he moved them from one end of the yard to the other, looking for the best spot to catch the most breeze.

The day he died, Rich and I spent much of our day in the gazebo, listening to the chimes. The weather was ideal, there was a slight breeze making the soothing sounds pretty much continuous.

Since then, caring loved ones have sent us some more sets to hang in the gazebo.

We added some to a nearby branch, also.

Each has its own, soft set of notes that are slightly lighter than the deep tones from Ryan’s gift. The dogs run through the gazebo, wagging tails that make the chimes sing when there isn’t a breeze to to the job.

We spend time out there together, holding hands, drinking coffee in the morning or wine in the evening, listening, and thinking about our boy.

An angel for Ryan

Corona virus, family, sea shell fairies

By Karla Nathan / June 10, 2020

Sugarwings went caving and kayaking with her dad last weekend. While there, she gathered rocks and shells for me, calling it a “fairy kit to go”.

In the box of pretty rocks, was just what I needed to make an angel for Ryan. Typically, I leave my fairies and angels on beaches, but this one is for Ryan’s room, so I glued her to one of the favorite paintings that he had in there.

A few days before he died, we took one of our long walks together and as I glanced down, I spied a four leaf clover. He and I were both so excited, you’d have thought I’d found a fifty dollar bill, not a leaf. I was using a cane, and had a Twinkle on a leash, so Ryan carefully held that clover throughout the rest of our walk and I pressed it when I got home.

I am still going on my Ryan walks. Usually with Twinkle, sometimes with my husband, always with tears. One walk was with my son, Adam, and I told him about the shamrock. That night, he brought me two that he found for Ryan and I.

Ryan’s digital portrait and a thank you

Corona virus, family, paintings

By Karla Nathan / June 5, 2020

I did a digital sketch on my iPad while missing my boy.

It is preliminary, in planning a larger, acrylic paininting that I can frame.

Every heartfelt message that was left on my posts about Ryan is appreciated, thank you. I have read them numerous times and am slowly, a few at a time, trying to acknowledge each one on FB, IG and my blog. Over the years, I have been lucky to get to know so many online friends, some I have met in person, others just through typed words. Social media has been a great way to meet friends and now it is a comfort to hear from them as well as from family, past co-workers, and long time friends who are all far away. So many have reached out to me with kindness, and I appreciate the sincere caring that went into the comments. Some make me cry, some make me smile, others touch me with a shared grief. All are meaningful to me. Thank you.

You don’t have to catch Covid 19 to have it impact your health

Corona virus, family

By Karla Nathan / May 31, 2020

Our family took all the precautions we could to maintain our household and keep from being infected. But were we so busy worrying about catching the virus that we overlooked other health risks it could cause?

Anxiety, fear, and worry can eat away at even the healthiest amoung us. But if a person is prone to panic attacks or depression, the pressures of not knowing how this pandemic would leave us in its aftermath (or even if we could look forward to an “after” at all) can be harder to withstand.

Millions have to worry about the loss of a job, or not being able to feed a family. For essential workers, there was the fear of having to be out in the midst of people who could possibly infect you. For my son, Ryan, there was added danger of bringing the virus into the nursing home he cooked at. He knew that if he had a slip up while pumping gas or buying groceries he could end up killing someone’s grandmother by unknowingly bringing the Corona virus into work with him.

Ryan came into the pandemic with a history of both heart problems and depression. He had worked hard to keep himself both physically fit and calm. He had found a contentment in his life, with his gym workouts and family time. I would even say he had been happy in his routines.

One of the first closures in the early days of the pandemic was the gym Ry had faithfully gone to for years. He tried to make up for the loss with his small, home gym along with walking for miles in all kinds of weather. Adding his lightened workout schedule to our family’s amped up dinner time filled with daily doses of comfort food, the common “Covid 15” weight gain crept up on him.

Anxiety can also cause excess snacking, or maybe an extra cigarette or two throughout the day. Neither of which were good for a former cardiac patient.

Not to be dismissed is the importance of human touch. Not only for our souls, but for our health. Social distancing means isolation for those who live alone. Ryan lived in an apartment on the side of our house, and was in our home, so he didn’t have to face total isolation. But as a nursing home employee, he was super conscious about not being the cause of illness for us or in the care center. He was a guy who couldn’t leave a room without an “I love you” and a hug. During our time of sheltering in place, we had to suffice with elbow bumps instead.

Many times, my son said to me, “It is killing me not to hug you guys goodnight.”

With Kansas reopening businesses and people trying to get back to normal routines, we had recently welcomed more family members into our “quarentainer”, while following strict guidelines for sanitizing our visitors and their belongings. The night before he passed away, we decided that we could suspend the No Hugs rule. With a house now filled with grand fairies, hugs had become abundant again, and I hugged Ryan goodnight for the first time in months. The last time I saw my boy alive I got a bear hug along with a kiss on the top of the head.

The coroner tells us that he thinks Ryan had a sudden heart attack. That sounds apt considering the stress he was under. That we are all under right now. Ryan did not die of Covid 19, but I feel like it was why he died when he did. He was past due for a physical, and was waiting until visiting a doctor’s office wasn’t a risky thing to do.

We may be opening up businesses and relaxing some rules but this is not over.

The fears are not gone.

The stress is still here.

Maybe you, or someone you know is suffering also. Please check in with texts, emails, or calls to someone who can help you. Or to whom you can offer help. These are scary times that we are living in and any comfort offered is appreciated and needed.

Don’t avoid medical check ups or put off self care. If you can’t do things like going to the gym, or getting a massage, taking a child to the park, seeing a movie, having a cocktail with friends to relax, or whatever takes you to your happy place- please find another outlet for your angst. We all need to look for joy wherever we can find it to keep from being overwhelmed and overtaken by the gloom hanging over us.

The one thing that survivors of this pandemic still have is each other, even six feet apart. Let’s be there for each other in any way we can. I know that I am not alone in my grief, now that the number of recognized deaths has hit a staggering 100,000. Plus, think of the uncounted, untested who passed away. And the ones who couldn’t take the despair and gave in to suicide or had a drug overdose. The ones who avoided seeing a doctor because they were terrified of going to a hospital. The nursing home patients who wasted away in loneliness, wondering if they would ever see their loved ones again.

Lockdowns in hospitals and nursing homes meant that the majority of these deaths were solitary. Following the guidelines for social distancing, the funerals for them are not happening. Our inability to have a service for our son has become the norm.

Thank you, to all who reached out to me with kind words of support. Each and every text, note, comment, and call felt like a spot of warmth in my despair. Not being able to see family and friends for a memorial makes these gestures even more treasured. I can feel the caring and appreciate the efforts made to share it.

When hugs and physical togetherness aren’t allowed, kind and caring words can go a long way. And I don’t know anyone who couldn’t use more of them right now.

I am far from being the only one suffering a loss. We are facing various types of losses too, not just death or illness. But the stress of losing your way of life can cause an actual illness.

If I had been watching out for Ryan’s inner turmoil, would I still have my baby boy?

An inconceivable loss

Corona virus, family

By Karla Nathan / May 27, 2020

Ryan Joseph Nathan was born on January 27, 1978 and grew up in Lawrence, KS, attending Lawrence High. He passed away from natural causes on May 23rd. He leaves behind his parents, Rich and Karla Nathan, his brother, Adam, two nieces, Leandra and Mayara. His extended family included Avahni, Makiah, and Katie Tree Pierson, Caitlin Hornbeck, and Thia Sleszynski.

No services will be held due to the current social distancing standards.

Ryan spent most of his working years as a cook, for a long time at Conroy’s Pub and most recently at Brandonwoods. He took his responsibilities for the welfare of the senior diners there very seriously in these days of Covid 19, and to keep them as well as his parents safe, he had given up his favorite thing in life, the loving hugs that everyone knew him for.

He was a kind, gentle man with a strong work ethic. He was such a hard worker that his family would refer to him as “The Machine” as he tackled jobs with a determination and tenacity. The same strength showed in his love of weight training and dedication to working out. There was rarely a day that his Fitbit showed less than 20,000 steps.

Ryan overcame a childhood of bullying for his learning disabilities, and many people never got a chance to know him because of the walls he put up from those experiences. Behind his quiet facade, was a witty sense of humor, and more thoughtfulness than you could expect to find in one person.

He preferred a low key lifestyle and had few requirements for happiness. Long walks with his mother and the dogs who adored him. Watching The Walking Dead series, a baking contest show, or a goofy comedy movie with his folks. Sitting on the patio and chatting about his day while his dad grilled steaks. Feeding all of the stray cats in the neighborhood. Playing a board game with his nieces. Hanging out with his brother, one on one. Lifting weights while listening to his extensive list of downloaded music. Googling things he was curious about. Making old friends laugh with his wit. He enjoyed washing and caring for his cars, the favorites over the years were an old Mustang, a Jaguar, and his latest, a Jeep. He was a lifelong fan of wrestling, and liked to watch past matches from years ago.

Ryan never wanted to leave a room without a hug and an “I love you”

Adjusting our quarenteam and adding to the quarentainer cottage

Corona virus, Dew Drop, family, Sugarwings

By Karla Nathan / May 24, 2020

Quarantining had been going fine for us. Sharing Sugarwings with her mom’s household, had added their home to our “quarenteam” so we didn’t feel too isolated or lonely. Plus, meeting friends for social distancing walks and zoom calls, kept me in touch.

I guess that I had walled off many of my loneliness for the rest of our family, to get through this period.

But when Dewdrop and her daddy arrived for a visit, and the big girls came over, my heart swelled like the Grinch’s did when he discovered the meaning of Christmas and realized that he loved the Whos.

We all said that our big sleepover felt just like Christmas. The grandfairies and I were thinking of little acts of kindness we could do as gifts for each other.

Welcoming them in wasn't a simple process. Sugarwings’ mom is an RN and researched in-depth some protocols to keep their arrival as safe as possible.

They all waited outside, then one at a time, each emptied their bags onto an outdoor table to be wiped down.

And ran over with an ultraviolet wand.

Sugarwings helped with hand sanitizers before each person came inside, stood in a tub, took off their clothes and went to the shower. Gloves were used to carry clothes to the washer, while fresh clothing was sanitized to wear after the shower.

While this virus rages on, we each have to figure out how to cope. We know that total isolation and never leaving the house can probably keep you safe. But as humans, that can only sustain us for so long.

We figured we had to make some choices to be as safe as we can be, and still make it work for our own needs.

Not everyone has the same viewpoint. We took our boat to the lake, and it was more crowded than I had ever seen it, in the decades we had been going there.
Boating could be a good thing to do for social distancing, one family, one boat, right? Out on the lake, far from other people?

It worked that way for us, we were not near anyone on our trip.

But while out, we saw so many parties, of multiple boats tied up together with groups going back and forth from boat to boat, kids all splashing together in the water.
But who am I to judge? I am sure that there are plenty of people who are much more stringent with their guidelines than I am, and would think that allowing family houseguests is pushing the limits.

Being judgey never helped anyone. I hope you are finding what you need to keep safe as you reasonably can and still find some happiness and comfort.

This isn’t over yet.

Birthday Party Decor Without a Trip to the Store

celebrations, Corona virus, cottage, family, flowers, Food and Drink, Sugarwings, We're having a party

By Karla Nathan / May 9, 2020

There are many things that social distancing has made more complicated. And hosting a birthday party was one of them. Sugarwings spends time between our household and her mom’s, so our two groups have been able to mingle, but sadly, we could not have other family members over to celebrate with us.

We also couldn’t pop into a store for last minute items, like the balloons that Sugarwings wanted for the table. She loves planning our family parties, and is the one who set this up.

We did have one last package of water balloons leftover from last summer, the kind that come in a big bunch, that you hook up directly to a faucet to fill up.

She could have taken each off its stem and blown it up, but we decided balloons filled with water could be extra fun. We floated them in clear glass bowls and used them as a centerpiece.

There were some banner pieces packed away, but not anything personal, so the Grand Fairy printed some dragons to hang onto the banners. And we agreed that the colorful dragons tied in the color of the balloons to the banners.

But the best part of the meal was the dolce de leche cheesecake that our Hippy Chick spent all afternoon working on. She came over to our house to bake it, and that added to the festive feel of putting a party together.

We missed the rest of our big family, but know that staying away, and staying healthy now means we will be celebrating with them later when all of this ends.

A Decorated Loaf of Flatbread

Corona virus, family, flowers, Food and Drink

By Karla Nathan / May 6, 2020

Lately, I have been seeing some lovely loaves online and thought I would give it a try myself.

I made a batch of dough, same way I usually do, then pressed half of it flat onto a cookie sheet.
I used basil, rosemary, and thyme for the stems and leaves. Grape tomatoes, zucchini, and slices of peppers were the flowers.After putting it together, I thought it needed more, and added slices of black olives to the center of the zucchini flowers.

I probably should have taken more time to cut the peppers into better petal shapes, but these were fine, if not exactly right.

It got sprayed it with olive oil cooking spray, sprinkled Italian seasoning over that, and let it rise before baking.

The bread baked up nicely, and we sliced it with a pizza cutter. The full branches of thyme made nice stems, but were a bit much. Although easily picked off before eating. The sticks came away, with the leaves still mostly on the dough.

Sugarwings wasn’t a fan of most of the toppings. She turned the other half of the loaf into twisted breadsticks and a single piece of flatbread with just basil, which she does like.

It turned out better than our Easter Bunny Bread, which was cute as a dough rabbit. (Before rising)

After it rose, it looked like Burl Ives in Rudolf.
After baking, he looked like Burl had been beaten up.

I might stick to floral scenes….