Our family took all the precautions we could to maintain our household and keep from being infected. But were we so busy worrying about catching the virus that we overlooked other health risks it could cause?
Anxiety, fear, and worry can eat away at even the healthiest amoung us. But if a person is prone to panic attacks or depression, the pressures of not knowing how this pandemic would leave us in its aftermath (or even if we could look forward to an “after” at all) can be harder to withstand.
Millions have to worry about the loss of a job, or not being able to feed a family. For essential workers, there was the fear of having to be out in the midst of people who could possibly infect you. For my son, Ryan, there was added danger of bringing the virus into the nursing home he cooked at. He knew that if he had a slip up while pumping gas or buying groceries he could end up killing someone’s grandmother by unknowingly bringing the Corona virus into work with him.
Ryan came into the pandemic with a history of both heart problems and depression. He had worked hard to keep himself both physically fit and calm. He had found a contentment in his life, with his gym workouts and family time. I would even say he had been happy in his routines.
One of the first closures in the early days of the pandemic was the gym Ry had faithfully gone to for years. He tried to make up for the loss with his small, home gym along with walking for miles in all kinds of weather. Adding his lightened workout schedule to our family’s amped up dinner time filled with daily doses of comfort food, the common “Covid 15” weight gain crept up on him.
Anxiety can also cause excess snacking, or maybe an extra cigarette or two throughout the day. Neither of which were good for a former cardiac patient.
Not to be dismissed is the importance of human touch. Not only for our souls, but for our health. Social distancing means isolation for those who live alone. Ryan lived in an apartment on the side of our house, and was in our home, so he didn’t have to face total isolation. But as a nursing home employee, he was super conscious about not being the cause of illness for us or in the care center. He was a guy who couldn’t leave a room without an “I love you” and a hug. During our time of sheltering in place, we had to suffice with elbow bumps instead.
Many times, my son said to me, “It is killing me not to hug you guys goodnight.”
With Kansas reopening businesses and people trying to get back to normal routines, we had recently welcomed more family members into our “quarentainer”, while following strict guidelines for sanitizing our visitors and their belongings. The night before he passed away, we decided that we could suspend the No Hugs rule. With a house now filled with grand fairies, hugs had become abundant again, and I hugged Ryan goodnight for the first time in months. The last time I saw my boy alive I got a bear hug along with a kiss on the top of the head.
The coroner tells us that he thinks Ryan had a sudden heart attack. That sounds apt considering the stress he was under. That we are all under right now. Ryan did not die of Covid 19, but I feel like it was why he died when he did. He was past due for a physical, and was waiting until visiting a doctor’s office wasn’t a risky thing to do.
We may be opening up businesses and relaxing some rules but this is not over.
The fears are not gone.
The stress is still here.
Maybe you, or someone you know is suffering also. Please check in with texts, emails, or calls to someone who can help you. Or to whom you can offer help. These are scary times that we are living in and any comfort offered is appreciated and needed.
Don’t avoid medical check ups or put off self care. If you can’t do things like going to the gym, or getting a massage, taking a child to the park, seeing a movie, having a cocktail with friends to relax, or whatever takes you to your happy place- please find another outlet for your angst. We all need to look for joy wherever we can find it to keep from being overwhelmed and overtaken by the gloom hanging over us.
The one thing that survivors of this pandemic still have is each other, even six feet apart. Let’s be there for each other in any way we can. I know that I am not alone in my grief, now that the number of recognized deaths has hit a staggering 100,000. Plus, think of the uncounted, untested who passed away. And the ones who couldn’t take the despair and gave in to suicide or had a drug overdose. The ones who avoided seeing a doctor because they were terrified of going to a hospital. The nursing home patients who wasted away in loneliness, wondering if they would ever see their loved ones again.
Lockdowns in hospitals and nursing homes meant that the majority of these deaths were solitary. Following the guidelines for social distancing, the funerals for them are not happening. Our inability to have a service for our son has become the norm.
Thank you, to all who reached out to me with kind words of support. Each and every text, note, comment, and call felt like a spot of warmth in my despair. Not being able to see family and friends for a memorial makes these gestures even more treasured. I can feel the caring and appreciate the efforts made to share it.
When hugs and physical togetherness aren’t allowed, kind and caring words can go a long way. And I don’t know anyone who couldn’t use more of them right now.
I am far from being the only one suffering a loss. We are facing various types of losses too, not just death or illness. But the stress of losing your way of life can cause an actual illness.
If I had been watching out for Ryan’s inner turmoil, would I still have my baby boy?
Oh, Karla, my heart goes out to you! Thank you for sharing your thoughts, thoughts of a grieving mother. Praying for you and your family. Jane Palmer
I do not know you, but a mutual friend posted your blog…my heart is breaking for you and your family as I read this. I cannot even imagine the pain and sorrow that you are experiencing, and as a mother to two grown sons, I empathize with you. One of my sons is in South Korea, and my other son is here in Kansas City, and works at Costco. Like your family, we have kept our distance from him physically, as he is exposed to so much…and I never, ever dreamed of the potential side effects of our reactions to the virus….I will hold you and your family in my thoughts and prayers, and send you virtual hugs….
Continuing with the hugs ~
Oh Karla, my heart just breaks for your immense loss. I don’t know you except through your blog but I can’t help but feel such sorrow for you and your family. I want to send my sincerest sympathies and will hold you in my thoughts and prayers.
My heart is so sad for your loss. It is overwhelming and more than a mother can bear. All you want is to have your boy back. So, I’m just sending love to you in your time of grief. Love, Carol
Dear Karla and family, continuing to send hugs and peaceful thoughts (and share tears) for the loss of Ryan. Please take care of yourselves and don’t play the “what if?” game. You loved him so thoroughly, and he knew that. xoxo
So sorry for your family’s loss. It’s always hard but it seems even more so during this time. We lost my mother in law in march. (Sudden stroke, not virus) Hadn’t seen her in 3 weeks due to quarantine. Funeral was 6 people. Funeral home was empty except us & employee. Can’t really put into words how all of this feels because we have nothing to compare it to. Take some comfort in that last hug & kiss.
I am so sorry you all had to suffer in this way. What a blessed family you are to have each other.
No Karla, you would not still have your baby boy. Had I been in Minnesota-when my daughter slipped and hung herself on the bar of a recumbent bicycle, I could not have saved her.
This is the guilt we carry when we loose a child or a spouse. It is a normal reaction to our need to protect our children.
There is an afterlife. We have been promised this. My Christian beliefs tell me this. Your son is well and happy as is my daughter. My daughter suffered depression as well and was in a bad place in her head that weekend.
When my pain gets unbearable, I try to think of her Joy now. Yes I cry, a lot, and often. I miss her everything. You will cry too, often, and feel like someone is strangling you, but hang on, the shock will lessen over time, but still you will carry him daily in your heart, and talk out loud to him, and you will feel his presence. You will never go through anything harder then the loss of a child. You are in my prayers daily.
My heart goes out to you and your family! I have known Ryan since the 7th grade. Always a smile. Please remember this. Its never good bye. It’s till we meet again.
So very sorry for your loss. Your post will help many people.
My heart hurts for your loss. I’m so very sorry. Praying and sending
(((Hugs))) your way.
My heart breaks for you, Karla. Please do not blame yourself for your boy’s passing. Look at all the lives he potentially saved at his nursing home job by being so mindful of not taking the virus to work and also the love he showed you all by being so careful as to not bring it home. He sounds like a true hero who has earned his angel wings. I’m so sorry for your heartache xoxo
Oh Karla, this is such a brave, powerful and important post. And it had to be terribly difficult to write in so very many ways and I so admire you and am so grateful that you did. The days after any loss are profoundly agonizing when it is someone so close as a beloved family member. All the more, I should think, when it is your child.
I am so deeply saddened by this loss. Please remember two things — first, you gave Ryan a great gift by relaxing the hugs rule that night. He had hugs from everyone in your home who loved him that evening when he went to bed. So many these days don’t have that. And you will have that touch memory in your heart and soul always. And second, this is one case where I think nothing you could have done would have changed the outcome. Please don’t live in guilt.
What you have done, though, in writing this, is making a difference in the awareness of all of your readers by reminding them that taking care is more than staying in, staying far, wearing the mask. It is attending to your health and stress. It’s an important reminder. I’m just sorry that the reason we must be reminded is because of your loss.
Much love and healing wishes.
Your words struck many emotions in my being.
Oh Karla, I am beyond stunned and feel so very sorry to hear this. Ryan was a wonderful man.yes, he had his challenges but he took it in stride. I know that you must be hurting like you never have before. I know how deeply you loved Ryan. You and I had discussed about his difficulties and we share the fact that We both have kids that had needed more help that others.
Considering Ryan’s past heart problems there probably wasn’t anything that would have changed the outcome.The fact that he survived the first attack was a miracle. The younger they are the more fatal the attack can be. Sometimes I wish we could plug in a human to the computer and tell what is going on inside like they do cars. Doctors really are just well trained mechanics. I remember how Jennifer had major abdominal surgery at the age of 6 weeks, and how it is hard to know what the future will hold. Luckily she has been physically healthy since then but she lives the life like Ryan did. This does not change the wonderful contribution that they can make to life.Ryan was brave and determined to be the best he could be. And I know that he loved you deeply.I had only seen him passing through when I have been at your house.but remember at we thinking of getting the two of them together, problem was Jenifer was a little to old for him ,much less the fact that she lived in Texas.
I have been in my house since the middle of February, even before covid 19. My immune system is low especially for upper respiratory infections and I feared the flu as possibly as lethal. In the past few years I have acquired COPD from living with smokers most of my life. May 20 I went to the eye doctor for my annual exam and it freaked me out. I hadn’t driven for months and it was almost like I didn’t remember how to drive and I felt out of place. This virus is having a real impact on us and the rest of the world. I feel like I need to be extra cautious because of Jennifer. She is very high functioning but I am not sure she would be able to solve all the difficulties that would come her way. I went and had BRAC testing to see if we have the gene that I could pass on to her.Being the breast cancer gene I felt that if she had the gene I would think about a double mastectomy so that if she needed it I would still be here to give her physical and emotional support. Luckily we do not have the gene.
I wish we all knew what the future will hold for any of us and how to move forward with life. For you, luckily you have a wonderful family That will hold you while to greave. A lot of my friends have lost their husbands and my only advise to them has been do not push this out, grieve and work it through. In today’s world we don’t take time to be sick, cause we have to go back to work and do all the other things that seem so very important. I think that’s one of the reasons this isolation has hit everyone so deeply.But you know, sometimes there are things that are a lot more important, such as family .
I wish there was something I could say or do that could help you but I will pray that you will come to peace. If there is any thing please reach out to all who love and care for you. You have so many close friends.
One thing that is good is that he went quickly. I lost my mom on May 23 three years ago. She had heart problems for the last 20 years of her life, even though she lived to be 95. I was talking to her on the phone and she said she felt sick. I lived less that two miles from her and I hurried as fast as the law would allow but she was gone when I got there. It’s harder on us who are left behind but for her she would not have done well in the hospital lingering. So maybe the suddeness of Ryan passing was helpful for him More so than being an invalid for the rest of his life. I keep telling myself that that is the way she would have wanted to go and maybe that will have been the same for Ryan.
I’m not sure that I have helped you in your grief but know that I will be thinking of you and wishing that each day may Be less painful than the previous and that your wonderful memories console you,
Sincerely, Sandy and Jennifer Thomson
Dear sweet Karla,
you are in my heart and I am hugging you there all of the time.
My heart goes out to you and your loved ones.
Karen B. x
Oh dear,I’m not a regular to your blog, but you have suffered the most terrible loss to a mothers’ heart and I cry for you. Your beautiful boy will be with you always, especially at your side during your walks. The angel is beautiful. That you were given the gift of your last precious hug from and with your Ryan, oh, is so very touching. Take care.